Eddie's journal, December 30th, 2009 11.38pm

been awhile since i updated.


RSAF called me regarding my application for pilot/reserve pilot.


asked me to go for a test next week 6th jan.


will update on that when i can, if i can.


but is there such a thing as reserve pilot?

weird...

wish me best of luck anyway.
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just been home after jing2x band concert.


as her band-mates were saying how much their teacher put in effort and how they won all their accolades, something suddenly dawned on me.


band.

a CCA.

just like Scouts.

their teacher put in alot of effort.

something which i should not criticise nor disrespect about.

but as for the traditions, the ceremonies, the grandeur, and the recognition.


we UGs dont lack too much in that too.


what do i mean?

often when we are a scout, we are drilled with discipline and training.
and more of those 2.

when we attain an award/prize, most of the time if not always the award do not seem to concern us as boys.

reason being we as men do not have control over what is going to be taught to us and what direction our unit is going to go.


whereas for other cultural groups like dance, band, CO.

the members have a say in what they are doing and how they want to go about doing it.
hence when they win accolades they will feel proud they will feel like they do belong somewhere and will therefore motivate their less competent junior to beat them or at least maintain their standards.

they have a right to choose.
they will feel more motivated to turn up and perform well as time pass.


I'm not saying that UGs in general do not have a chance for the men to choose what they want to do. its that they don not have that much a luxury as cultural groups.


reason being UGs look for discipline, orders from the top are to be executed. no questions asked.period

but in the process we strip them of their rights to choose and as time pass alot of people get turned off by this.

some of my sec 1s are already slipping out of my fingers.


now hours after the end of her concert I'm thinking.


how do i go about giving the rights back to my boys,
and in the process not let them climb over my head?

my sec3s already have the rights to choose.
and some have chose to be the bad apple.


how do i not let these bad apples influence the rest?


how do i let my boys know that when we do win an award its not just their seniors that have the glory but the rest of them can partake in the pot of gold as well?

how do i make my boys know that the unit needs them as much as they need it?


looking back those years. why was i so enthusiastic about scouts?


i did have something to proof. i wanted to proof to my parents that I'm independent.

i wanted to proof that i was a leader material.

i wanted the honor of leading the scout unit as an SPL.

i wanted to right the wrong i did back in sec 1 and sec 2.

and when i finally did.

i was at the top of the world.

then like physics it all came tumbling down in poly year 1.


took me 2 years to climb up and just half a year for my downfall.


and now I'm climbing back up again.

this time i want to make things better, for my boys for my unit.

for me.

and these are the questions i have that i hope with the turn of the new year i will find answers.
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digging through all my old stuff.

found letters.

most are from classmates, friendly well-wishing letters.(i don't really have alot of letters though)

and i came across a letter than i had but didn't remember it.


guess was due to the messy affair after that.


still i have not properly apologised to her after we broke up.

i opened the letter, read through it, my heart stopped.

and then my inner self sighed.


i think back to the time i spent with her.

and i have this to say:

i thank you for the letter, and i hope that you are well.
what i have done in the past i do not wish to deny any responsibility.

but i do hope that we can put it behind us and lets just be friends.
friends who talk to each other in times of need, friends who do sms each other.
friends who do say "hi" to each other on the streets or sms you suddenly out of the blue.

i too am grateful for meeting you and am thankful that you were once there for me.

last but not least I'll never regret knowing you.
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i have a feel that something good is about to happen. and to me the world suddenly seem much much brighter after the RSAF recruiter called.

though things still don't change, i feel as if I've stepped out of a shadow.

i don't know how much I'm going to change nor do i know how long it will be or last.


but i just want to cherish it now that I'm no longer thinking of no-win scenarios again.

Eddie's journal, December 11th, 2009 12.36am

woah...


woah woah woah woah...

WOAH!!!!


WOOHOO~!!!


fucking ingrate...


out-fucking-standing.


you ever wonder why you guys are in shit?

ever?



its simple actually...


WHY SO SERIOUS?!?!?!?!


you let so much rules and regs slip that the reason that the reason you guys are in shit was that you have degenerated to the same level as them. theres no start and no end to the dark. you turned off the light yourselves.


its simple.


you are a svc crew. and you can tell a manager/supervisor " eh don't shout at them too much".


wait a minute.


wait just 1 minute.


WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

oh you are just a service crew.

AND WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING THAT TO?

a manager/supervisor.




WOW.

tell me. if the management doesn't know what to do or does things wrongly. when has it become our job as a simple service crew to tell them what to do?

THEY ARE PUT IN CHARGE FOR A FUCKING REASON MORON!



AND RULES ARE THERE FOR A FUCKING REASON TOO.

well 1 its meant to be broken.


but that's not the point.

the point is, it being a rule, everyone who wants to play the game has to follow. doesn't matter that you be a level 10 or level 50 player.


FOLLOW THE FUCKING RULES.


its called discipline.
oh wait in sec sch you were just a simple NCO in NCC. talk to you about discipline? nah, it'd be like talking to blind man about an elephant.

YES I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU, YOU FUCKING INGRATE DOG.

yeah you don't have discipline and you are a fucking ingrate.


why i say ingrate.


lets see


the very first time you did teppan back in the good old, bad old days and jammed and then got screwed by customer. who was the one who helped you clear up the mess?

i forgot.


and then there was this 1 time when your kitchen jammed till high heaven and u got screwed by peik wai who was it that talked to you and made you feel better?

hmm. i forgot.

and then there was also times when you were pissed after work and cannot stand others partying, who was it that sat by you and accompany you?

i forgot too.


and then today this?


THIS KRIFFING SHEB????


OYA!!!

K'OYACYI!!!

OYA MANDA!!!



well if you don't know what I'm talking about then no point asking me in person. because if you don't feel that its wrong you will never feel that its wrong. no point asking others to point out to you.


i seriously think its a grave mistake to come back to work.

Ori'buyce, kih'kovid
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i don't get it why i everytime tell myself i don't have to let people know the real reason behind my actions.

perhaps its a throwback from a long past where i tried to do good but no one sees the light in my actions so they condemned it.

perhaps its borne from me not being appreciated from a young disturbed childhood.

or it might be that i honestly don't really want to know what others think of me due to my disturbed childhood too.


whatever it might be, it is really depressing, emo-inducing, energy draining, emotionally suffocating and mind tiring.

just like today i found a friend that i had almost implicitly trusted become and dishonest ungrateful dog.

I'm just so drained.

as if someone opened up a tap at the base of my stomach and drained out all the braincells.

nothing blank.

all i feel is white rage. but I've expressed them all above.

so not its empty.

and then i think on.

how do i start making things right?

because if i start showing people why i do what i do. it'll be weird.


it'll be as if Eddie has grown wings overnight and learned how to fly with a halo round his head.

no.

I'm not a saint. I'm not a saviour. and I'm most certainly not a good guy.

I'm just a man trying to make things better for the people, for the friends, for the acquaintances around him.

so i don't mind being the bad guy.

I'm used to being the bad guy.


to no matter how drained i feel at the end of everyday.

i will breathe.

i will sleep.

i will wake up.

and then i will rinse and repeat it all over again.

and I'll bitch about it too. occasionally.

Verd ori'shya beskar'gam

Eddie's journal, December 11th, 2009 12.55am

life is just like a game.
a fucking boring game.

no matter where you go, whatever shit you do.
the same thing happens.

like clockwork.
like a game.

different levels.
same enemies, same weapons, same scenario.
just different locale.
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i go to work.
wasnt late.
but got scolded for nothing by manager.

i didnt complain.

i serve customer food.
they claim didnt order.
got scolded by kitchen crew.

i didnt complain.

other svc key wrong table.
i serve to the wrong customer.
got fucked by them.

i didnt complain.

but then i saw shit happen today.
shit happened.
but no one cared.

and i couldnt complain.
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all it ever takes for bad things to happen as we have all seen in history is for enough good men to do nothing.


perfect examples are characters like Hitler, Stalin, Osama Bin Laden.

there are people who have seen these people gathering power, amassing strength, stockpiling weapons, creating chaos, inciting fear, sharpening resolves, introducing inhumane treatments to people.

yet those people sat by and did nothing.
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i look at sakae T2, havoc.
absolute havoc.
new part timers who think so full of themselves.
who dont give a shit.
who dont do things the right way.
who give attitude.

i also see full timers and old part timers dont do things.
dont follow the rules and regulations set by office or by the management
dont know how to do things
dont bother.

and then i see managers not doing anything about that.
i see supervisor A not teaching them the right thing.
i see supervisor B struggling but cant do much.
yet all 3 tell me that they are in trouble.

so i have to ask myself.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING HERE?

i mean you sure are in shit.
and some real deep one too.

but then again. you are the managment.
YOU. NOT ME.
FUCKING DO SOMETHING.

for one?
how about stand united and say you guys want to change the service standard?
where did the "as long as i draw pay from this company i will still do my job well" attitude go?

and then WHAT THE FUCK IS EVERYONE WORKING FOR???
where did the"THERES NO 'I' IN A TEAM"go to?

the whole svc crew be it management, full timer or part timer.

the whole svc crew is like a hand.
and each of us is a finger.
without others we all are useless.
alone a finger can't grasp, or control, or form a fist.
we are nothing on our own, and everything together.


and what i have seen so far.
what i have seen makes my blood boil.
makes me rage like a caged beast.
makes me wanna chuck my handphone on a wall and watch it crumble into pieces.
makes me wanna grab those fuckers who showed attitude and think so great of themselves,
and smash their faces into a wall
makes me wanna tear their flesh to shreds and feast upon it.
makes me wanna tear off all restrains and physically harm them.
makes me wanna watch them suffer the pain and anguish that they have never seen humanely possibly to be inflicted onto them.

bet with you now that some of them will think that i dont have to balls to face them down in a throw-down.


honestly. if i have been the past me, i'd probably be in a police station now.


i still have rules that i play by. dont make me abandon them and play dirty.