Eddie's journal, February 19th, 2011 2.05am 0205 hours, Saturday.

been busy with NPC life to blog much.

and i cant blog much about NPC life as its all under OSA.

but I'll blog what i can.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

somewhere,

somehow,

some part in your life you'll find that your parents stop being the fountain of knowledge,

they stop being the spiritual cleansing well that you can wash the sins off your hands.

they stop know what goes through your mind in critical time, in quite times.

it becomes hard to relate anything to them.

and you know what? then sins you did? the things you do?

all that blood?

its all on your hands.

its on your hands and you keep finding ways to wash it off.

but what if day by day they drift further and further away from you. and you find it harder and harder to connect to them.

or anyone else for that matter.

and the blood gets more and more, dirtier and dirtier, its messing up your hands.

and everyday you see your own messed up bloody hands, and you try to wash it all off.

you keep washing and it only gets worst.

and i think I'm all messed up again.

i saw the covered up body of a man who threw himself off the 25th story of a building.

he literally became a slab of meat.

a slab of red meat with limbs and a cracked open face and skull fragments.

and it brought me to the brink.

and as i type this I'm staring down the abyss of total nothingness, despair and depression.

I'm troubled by the matters of the mind and i find that i cant talk to my parents and i literally have no one to turn to talk to.

and realizing it doesn't make it easier for me because i know I'm all messed up and I'm helpless to do anything about it except to ignore that I'm all messed up and go handle other people's mess.

i think I'm slowly become of unsound mind. have totally 0 interactions with other girls or have a chance to let all the stress out of me.

I'm slowly cooking myself to death and there's no one i know of that i can turn to to help me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

life lets you live once.

Just once.

So what do we live for?

we live to see the world of tomorrow, and make it a better place.

If not for ourselves then for the rest of the world.

we live to accomplish our dreams, to see the results of our actions.

to be able to feel something out of our actions.

to learn from yesterday.

to seek out new horizons to explore, conquer, exploit.

to realize what we have lost, how far we've come

for the sake of those who passed before us

for those who gave up everything they had in order for us to lead better lives

for all of mankind's dreams

these are what we live for.

Eddie's journal, Janruary 15th, 2011 3.01am 0301 hours

that day ubin cycling was an eventful one...

So this is how the story went
I met someone by accident
That blew me away
That blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, you buried them away

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face under the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Brandi Carlile- hiding my heart

yeah i did meet someone there... but unfortunately she taken...

surprisingly i didn't feel nervously paralyzed when i attempted to take her number.... its like I've grown bigger balls... strange... usually would feel very nervous as if the slightest scare i would jump to the moon...

but after some "intense" CSI found her no. somewhere... :D

ytd (14/1/11) visited my maternal side grandfather... hes also senile already... don't even recognize my mother when we visited...

couldn't speak coherently either... thought we should be lucky that he can still talk... but he just cant talk sense...

honestly i think its very sad... that we man can land on the moon, sent deep space satellites to look for life off earth, yet we cant cure dementia, cancer and STD...

OK the STD part is abit overboard.... but cancer and senility? i mean science has came so far since Neanderthal doctors drilled a hole into patients who have headache to relieve the "evil spirits"...

so see someone who is still able to walk, talk but lose his/her cognitive abilities... to be unable to call up his/her memories even though the brain is still intact... cant science find a way to restore the synapse links inside?

i bemoan that science came so far yet cant come through for all the aged people around the world...

separate issue... morality...

say you are a surgeon, lying on your operating room (OR) table with his chest open is a patient who suffered a gun shot wound(GSW) to the chest. the GSW perforated his heart and you are saving him...

and then you receive news that this guy is the criminal who shot and killed 13 children aged btw 15-18 before he was shot down by police officers...

would you still save him?

or in the case of you being a police officer, a subject shot and killed your partner before you.

then you shot the said person in the chest so now hes suffering from a sucking chest wound while your partner lie 1 meter away dead....

would you still render first aid to the assailant?

would you save the life of a wrong-doer?

how would you feel after you have saved his life?

food for thought then.........

Eddie's journal, Janruary 5th, 2011 9.47pm 2147 hours

new year... past year(read: life thus far)review coming right up!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

my life up till this points have lots and lots of regrets... met alot of brick walls....

if i have a chance to go back in time i would have told the girl i liked, and still like her that well, i like her, and i would grab on to the chance and not let go... because she did once give me a chance and i kinda turn her off...

on another note i would cherish my first girlfriend properly, i could have done better i know i can do better but i didn't... and to say that i have zero feelings for her now would be a big lie and I'm sure the whole world knows it... just friends... with feeling... weird...

then i would go back in time to study primary school better, followed by secondary school... and then polytechnic education....

and also go back in time to mend all the wrongs i did during my basic training....

seems like a very long list of regrets to go on and on about...

a long list of my brick walls... i didn't know it back then... but brick walls were meant for me to show how badly i wanted something....

but a particular one stands out head and shoulders above the rest...

its my particular regret was i couldn't put the future of my scout unit into the hands of someone better than me...

I'm not here to say that I'm a very excellent scout leader... I'm not one to trumpet my own glories and achievement...

but I'd say i do OK... just merely OK...

therefore i had sincerely hoped that i could have put the unit into the hands of someone much more capable than me...

my only enemy was time... i did not maximize the time i had with my scouts properly...

i could have spent more time teaching them, guiding them.... i could have set things right before i left... but i didn't....

and looking at the way things are now i am truly sorry for not being able to set things right or find someone much more capable than me to head the unit...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

what makes decisions right or wrong when the situation is murky?

murky in the sense that you don't know if anything you do would be the welcomed or accepted...

often we ask around and sometimes we cant find the answer as well...

I'm not here to say i can tell the proper decision for you... but i hope this helps....

make the decision based on your gut feeling;

how would you feel if you had made this decision, would you be able to sleep well at night knowing you've tried your best to solve the problem? to know that you did something when all else seem bleak?

or would you keep thinking of how you could have done it better? to know that you could have done something to change the outcome of the situation you were in or have seen but yet you did nothing to change it?

some decisions are just black or white, right or wrong, live or die, but there are alot of things that don't follow that rule.

be it whatever you did you have to stand by the decisions you made... man up and admit when you did wrong... accept with humility when you did well...

lift up your head and say tomorrow you'll make better decisions... then the day would seem alittle brighter as the sun sets over the horizon...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------