Eddie's journal, December 12th, 2010 2.36pm 1436 hours

4 months since last post...

whats changed?

lots...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

where do i begin?

honestly i dont know...

when you constantly find things not going your way... and therefore you rage at nothing, everything and everyone... and then you see more things not going your way...

you are blind, blind to not see that you are the problem not others.

and then you ignore that problem and keep thinking that as long as you ignore it you'd be fine...

but honestly are you really fine? how long are you going to keep ignoring and finally accept that you are the idiot?

at times you go out of your way to piss people off and then try to convince them that you are not the problem when they can all see that you are the major problem around.

i was that blind fucker...

ignoring my actions and ignoring that im the problem had made me life so miserable...

in short ive fucked myself...

and its high time i shuld unfuck myself.

and so im going to apologize to everyone who had know that i was the problem.

i dont know if its too late to change or if the change would be effective... but if i dont help myself out of this hole im sure as hell screwed for the rest of my life...

Eddie's journal, August 16th, 2010 11.20pm 2320 hours

dead tired after shift 2 of deployment... tml morning will be going for shift 1...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the need to love someone... to hold her as i fall asleep at night... to dream of her... to make every moment of my life revolve around her... to tell her everyday no matter how tired i am that i still love her and she beautiful...

yes I'm burning with the need to love someone...

the fire burns... I'm all fuelled up to look for that long lost love...

the urge to move to seek, to be bold, to be daring and audaciously pursue a certain her...




but what happens when that reservoir of fuel burns up?

when the daily stress of life takes its toll on the relationship?

until even talking to her seems to be just a thing i have to get through with everyday?

I'm not the romantically inclined person... the most romantic thing I'll probably ever do is.... well I'm not sure too...

I'm also a person who... well if u know me enough you'll know i get easily affected by stuff and emotional at times... and I'm have my ever present stress mode on...

I'm also not that good at putting aside those stuff when i have to just chill and stop trying to save everything around me from screwing up... i need some help from her sometimes... alot of help...

but i have once let the fuel of love burn up... and it wrecked my life up pretty badly...


so till i figure out what to do, what to say and what happens after after... then I'll probably unleash the burning fire... till then I'll just have to keep extinguishing it...

Eddie's journal, August 6th, 2010 10.23pm 2223 hours

first off welcome back... sorry for the 4 long months of hiatus... booking in and out of SPF life weekends are precious... so was gaming on my 360...

secondly i was actually going to wait till 8th to post this but what the hell... might as well be now or never...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

4 long months since my last posting... shortly after in early June i was sacked as NS14 squad leader...

something that i actually liked at first... cos it didn't solve the problem much... but it sure as hell isn't my problem now...

i also gave back some of my squad mates their very own "why-must-it-be-me" and "couldn't-give-a-fuck" attitude back to them...


maybe that's why i have a feeling they don't like me much... but hey i enjoy being an asshole... but the flip side is that my friend list gets smaller every year...

and then there are times I'd wish i was the squad leader back again... but never mind... it'll all be over soon...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

you know the government could do more to pay us NSF better... the cash we are getting is like peanuts...

more often than not i have been wanting to go out for outings or some rare occasions my friends asked me out to chill i find myself staring into my wallet or bank account statement and i see a disappointing figure...

but things should be better after i POP which will be soon but soon just cant come fast enough and then in a flash it'll be all over...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

actually that day wanted to say I'm not happy... but then you outrank me...

of all the work i put in of all the thing i did and then you ruled in others favor saying he has done more?

in terms of duty performed, roles and responsibilities taken up... I'm sure i would have the upper hand against him if not almost more that the whole squad put together...


no i don't have to agree with your decision to give it to somebody else...
nor do i need to like your decision...

i just have to stick to it and make it work...

but to swallow down the pride and the injustice its like eating 10 whole humble pies on upsize...

wrong make that 100... well at least 50...

perhaps what they say is true... that hope is the first step on the road to disappointment... sometimes the good must perish so that the rest survive...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

there i think I've reached the end... ever since enlisting never really had much to say... cos didn't have time to really pen down my thoughts here...

others are well too hard to express it or to harsh to let the world know that i have those thoughts...

or it might have been the OSA that I've signed... basically meant that if i told you I'd have to hunt you down and liquidate you...


might as well sign a DNR with it too...


well I'm still looking for romance... elusive little bugger...

till next time then...