Eddie's journal, February 19th, 2011 2.05am 0205 hours, Saturday.
been busy with NPC life to blog much.
and i cant blog much about NPC life as its all under OSA.
but I'll blog what i can.
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somewhere,
somehow,
some part in your life you'll find that your parents stop being the fountain of knowledge,
they stop being the spiritual cleansing well that you can wash the sins off your hands.
they stop know what goes through your mind in critical time, in quite times.
it becomes hard to relate anything to them.
and you know what? then sins you did? the things you do?
all that blood?
its all on your hands.
its on your hands and you keep finding ways to wash it off.
but what if day by day they drift further and further away from you. and you find it harder and harder to connect to them.
or anyone else for that matter.
and the blood gets more and more, dirtier and dirtier, its messing up your hands.
and everyday you see your own messed up bloody hands, and you try to wash it all off.
you keep washing and it only gets worst.
and i think I'm all messed up again.
i saw the covered up body of a man who threw himself off the 25th story of a building.
he literally became a slab of meat.
a slab of red meat with limbs and a cracked open face and skull fragments.
and it brought me to the brink.
and as i type this I'm staring down the abyss of total nothingness, despair and depression.
I'm troubled by the matters of the mind and i find that i cant talk to my parents and i literally have no one to turn to talk to.
and realizing it doesn't make it easier for me because i know I'm all messed up and I'm helpless to do anything about it except to ignore that I'm all messed up and go handle other people's mess.
i think I'm slowly become of unsound mind. have totally 0 interactions with other girls or have a chance to let all the stress out of me.
I'm slowly cooking myself to death and there's no one i know of that i can turn to to help me.
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life lets you live once.
Just once.
So what do we live for?
we live to see the world of tomorrow, and make it a better place.
If not for ourselves then for the rest of the world.
we live to accomplish our dreams, to see the results of our actions.
to be able to feel something out of our actions.
to learn from yesterday.
to seek out new horizons to explore, conquer, exploit.
to realize what we have lost, how far we've come
for the sake of those who passed before us
for those who gave up everything they had in order for us to lead better lives
for all of mankind's dreams
these are what we live for.
