Eddie's journal, November 28th, 2009 11.51pm

people say i have leadership qualities and skills.

i beg to differ.

i say all i have is a gut feeling and a damn loud voice.


and then loyalty. what exactly does it mean?

to different people loyalty means different thing. thus for me to demand loyalty from others is almost a crime. only dictators and tyrants do that.

that's why Ive been rethinking my actions recently.



its not right for me to ask people to be loyal to me. its supposed to be like respect, its to be given, not asked.



often people do not know, being in-charge is a very lonely thing to do.



put it this way:

Mantel of Leadership,
Aura,
Binds On Pickup,
+5 speed
+5 attack
+5 intel
-50 hp
+70 loneliness

sometime its is really really lonely to be right at the top of the food chain.

yes you do get alot of privileges.

but they more often than not don't compensate for the shit you have to go through.



fact 1:
it is lonely to be in-charge.

fact 2:
when you have to make decisions, not everyone will benefit from that decision

fact 3:
when certain party do not stand to gain from your decision,chances are that said party will get hostile faster than you can say "sorry"

fact 4:
if fact 3 occurs then said party will begin conducting offensive operations against you and the friendship between you 2 effectively terminates at this point.



i absolutely detest being in-charge, because its a never-ending cycle of anger, frustration and stress for me


the very definition of a Leader is being at the fore front.



being in-charge means making deliberate, measured decisions made for high stakes, without the support of superiors or subordinates, and with the cost of failure almost incalculable.



Such is the loneliness of command.


such is the loneliness i am feeling now.

Eddie's journal, November 17th, 2009 5.49pm

not much change from the last post. just that i have to reinstall my firefox. caught up with greys anatomy. currently watching kampfer anime only. manga wise still the same.

not doing much with my xbox. cos i dont have the cash to get modern warfare 2. so I'm hoping my parents will get something for me since Ive graduated poly officially.

but then again they are not those who would reward their kids for doing well academically so i guess nothing then.

good news is that come year end or early next year I'm going for a holiday. FINALLY! the last family holiday i had was like when i was 3. so quite looking forward to setting foot on some foreign land and really relax.


moderately good news. I'm enlisting in march into police force. was really hoping to get into army but. haiz. just have to make do with what Ive got.


i have decided not to go back and help anymore. since its not my fight. i should not have interfered. if the cow doesn't want to drink i cant force it.

honestly the meeting with PLC/ventures is for the use of a better word, shit. like Miss Noraini said. he does have a huge legacy, with the scouts with the school. even with Mr Khaw.

so how do i go about changing that? it would be bloody well impossible. so why do it? why keep fighting it? i did choose to. but I'm regretting it now.

be the best i can. this was the best i can give and no one was there to support. so why do i keep fighting for something that i don't benefit from?

i don't get paid i don't get recognised i don't get appreciated.
i only get problems, headaches and a whole lot of nagging.

history is the one thing that humans will never learn. all these has happened before and it is happening again. well i guess I'm the only one concerned over a fate that isn't mine. so to hell with it. I QUIT.


but that was weeks ago. my campfire committee is well not doing good. my scouts aren't talking to the ventures. the guides are completely off the radar. not sure if they are there or not. things aren't looking good. but campfire committee and scouts are separate things, i have to be sure not to put the 2 things together.


recently I'm like having a little sleeping problems. well thinking of the scouts problem the campfire problem and the cash problem and relations problem and all that. looking back this time last year i was angry, sad and heartbroken. now my heart is unbroken but otherwise I'm as equally burdened and depressed.


everynight i spend 10 mins trying to forget all the problems but some nights it would take longer. and then in the morning i would have 20 seconds of carefree me until i start to think of today's date, time and where am i in terms of all the problems i have. then I'd wish i haven woke up at all.


sometimes i dunno why i do what i did. i just know that i should do it. other times I'm just lost and taking a leap of faith.


if I'm no longer a friend to you, you'd just have to say it. then I'd back off. don't have to avoid me this way till its so obvious. sometimes things you don't say are as clear as day to me. friends don't have to be this way. if I'm crossing the line just tell me. I'll know what to do.


flying through the valley of lies, deceit and betrayal i shall feel no fear. for i am at 16,000 feet and diving.

Eddie's journal, October 30th, 2009 1.10 am

still.fence sitting. no good. feels like crap-tastic peice of fucking shit.


no open house just ended. in my humble opinion. was like a fucking piece of FUBARed shit.


but then again. opinions are like assholes. everyone has got one.

also hindsight is always 20/20.


still no work yet. parents nagging. good sign i guess. they still care.

the remainder of this post will be metaphoric with some obvious reference in the 3rd part of the narration.

do try to make the connection. if in doubt do ask me in private about them.

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felt like i just ran out of a freaking booby-trapped jungle. trashing through the hazardous terrain filled with pit-falls and volatile wildlife. only to face an empty chasm in front of me. not knowing how deep the fall will be. having the front row seat to the biggest shit storm I'm about to endure previewed right above me.

should not have went through that fracking forest. had a nice plain to cross yet i too the harder way. wise old sages had counseled me against my fool-hardy decision. i still went head-strong with my decision anyway. regret. again. god-awful feeling. time and time again i screw up my own life.

now darkness engulfed the forest behind me. terrifying sounds of tortures beyond mortal understanding of pain echoed from the impenetrable darkness. darkness that seems to be beyond normal comprehension.

the chasm faced me with its cold redoubt. it has weathered more storms than i can ever hope to endure within my lifetime. and a storm the likes of which i cannot begin to fathom loom above my head.

cold gray mist slowly floats up from the hungry black depths of the chasm floor. seemingly able to consume me as its next victim.

from this shrouding mist i glimpse what looks like a bridge to cross this unforgiving place. might be an escape to paradise. might lead to another new hell. the bridge looks almost as weathered as the chasm. the end of the bridge seemingly disappears into the devouring mist.

i don't have a choice. with no where to go. i trust my life to the higher power and take my first step on to the rickety bridge. silently mumbling a prayer to be delivered into anywhere better than this hellhole of a trap.
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confusion reigns in the rank and file. no one seem to have an idea now that they are getting conflicting reports. the situation report i have just received from the field was not good.

fire teams in the field have lost all sense of cohesion. corporals were looking to sergeants who were looking for the closest officer to give them directions. disorder reigned the battle field. unit integrity with the 1st REDFOX battalion is breaking down at an impossible speed.

officers in the field were making direct calls to Command requesting orders from the joint command. but each time they call they were connected to a different general. each giving different directives for them.

this was supposed to be a joint command between me and 3 other generals. initially president and secretary of defense together with the 4 of us was supportive with the idea. but soon 1 of the generals was reported lost and the other was promoted to chief of staff. and then there were 2

well the other general chose to swamp the battalion command with information. the 2 majors were soon swamped with orders and reports. and began the congestion. preventing critical information from being passed from Command to the ground units.

where as few months ago on a field op i had a conflict with the entire command staff of the battalion. so i went on a short R&R leave.

now after the last operation days ago planned by the other general. things within the battalion do not seem good. the last operation was almost a failure had the other general and i not turn up to supervise the engagement.

from the company staff up they generally have problems working with the battalion majors. they think that the majors just want all the honor and glory while they slog it out on the field with the enemy.

within the 4 companies that makeup the battalion there is unsolved issues.

for WOLF company. the company have a glory hound for a CO. he wants things done but not willing to lead his company personally into battle. he have a pretty incompetent XO who always does the wrong thing at the wrong time. leading him to be labeled as the battalion's command staff most useless person.

for WOODPECKER company. the CO is a quiet but capable person. a future rising star bound for the battalion command. problem with this CO is that he often follow the lead of the wolf company CO. as a result both companies often come under withering fire far from the rest of the battalion's support. only the XO shows initiative to save the company's bacon. however the XO has a fiery temper that even us generals think twice about crossing.

KINGFISHER company was newly set up this year. the CO is an incompetent fool. together with his lazy XO who for almost all the role calls were missing. surprisingly the company still retain some form of unity.

OTTER company has the smartest CO out of the batch. a triple science graduate from manjusri high school. many wondered why he chose to join the army much more when he chose the REDFOX battalion. hes a dedicated man. with the occasion lack of intuition to get his company moving. his XO was a recently replaced and have since rose to a strong standing within the command staff. the XO is an ad-hoc CO of KINGFISHER as well.

between the 2 major. each had half of the operations orders. but they did not pass the important info to each other and as a result their company commanders do not have a clear idea of where enemy positions were. de facto leadership of the battalion seems to lie with the XO of OTTER.

inside the CIC we generals were having quite a war ourselves. with the chief of staff and the other general not totally understanding the situation. nor do they conduct anymore field inspections of the battalion. seemingly they are issuing orders without consideration of the battalion's capabilities while i disagree with them. but i declared i was on R&R leave i did not have the means to right their misdirected orders. they claim I'm too close with the men on the field that my judgment cannot be taken.

now with the battalion moving to another engagement. all the company CO and XO are confused with no clear directions and conflicting orders from the chief of staff and the other general. during the last field inspection some of the CO have asked me to take over the CIC completely for the next engagement.

i have spoken to a rear echelon support unit and one of the personnel said he they would back me if i wanted to take over but there's not much they could do as their hands were tied as well.

generally the battalion command is furious with the other general for not doing a better job and would not like the chief of staff to interfere with the battalion operations anymore.

however orders are orders. its not the line company commanders to question why. its just their duty to do or die. Semper Fi.

i will try my best to have a meeting between the rear echelon, battalion&company command together with the CIC to settle the problem.
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