1. Who tagged you to do this quiz ?

Valerie

2. Name some good points about him / her

Friendly

3.Name some bad points about him / her.

Blur

_______________________

1. What class are you in ?

DET06/06

2. Name all your best friends .

everyone who i dont hate

3. Who is your favourite girl in class ?

not applicable... almost no girls in class

4. Who is your favourite boy in class ?

it will default to me on principle

5. Are you attached or single ?

Single hoping to be attached

6. Do you like this class ?

no

7. What do you like about this class ?

everything

8. Why are you doing this quiz ?

cos the beautiful lady Valerie tagged me

9. Do you believe in God ?

no he dont exist stop fooling urself

10. Girl Or Boy ?

small kid

11. Do you have a crush on someone ?

currently yes

12. Cry before ?

define crying

13. You prefer Handphone or computer ?

COMPUTER

14. Name those People you hate ?

people who are my friends at one point i hate them before

15. You prefer comedy or romance movies ?

Comedic romance

16. Have you smoked before ?

sorry i hate them

17. When you intend to get married ?

when i feel the time is right

18. Nick name ?

currently is dont have

19. Last person you talked to ? (excluding your family)

my scouts

20. Last person you messaged to ?

my scouts

21. Favourite Artist ?

not applicable... i dont chase them

22. Favourite Song ?

Conte Partiro by Andre Bocelli

23. Nicest movie you ever watched ?

too many

24. Favourite Food ?

generally they are food that i will put into my mouth more than once

25. Favourite Drink ?

same as above

Tag 10 people to do this.

to those who are as bored as me...

when everything feels like the movies... yeah you bleed just to know yo're alive

wow...


where to begin?



ubin cycling trip was a total cluster fuck...


how can a day that begin so well end so horribly?


frak...


the numb nuts of those sec 1s really makes me very angry... never ever seen such a group of unruly and DF to the core grp of sec 1s...


leadership problems? PLC problem? or jus problem with the sec 1 them selves...



fricking epic... today i jus reach pulau ubin i need to apply first aid to sherman already... his eczema blister burst when he bumped it on the boat while alighting...


then by first pit stop 2 more have been dinged... shawn fell and had a sizable abbrasion on his right elbow... wesely our venerated SPL somehow had the bicycle chain cut into the back of his right lower leg...


then after continuing...at a high speed corner...yu kai lost control and skidded... he fell with abrasions to his hands elbows and knees... particularly 1 on his left elbow...


however i didnt know the extend of his injuries till after when we were having movie outing...


had a generally fun day until it was all abt to end... had 5 major accident...

1st was 2 scouts who dont know how to cycle also went top ubin..

2nd was the sec 1 sherman... kept speeding... nearly had a collision with wesely jus as we are about to gather at the basketball court and finish our trip...

3rd was the convoy in the final stages got seperated... the faster group with me and ervin went ahead to the final stop while the slower group stayed to take photo...

4th gerald sped onto the basketball court and slipped and fall...no injuries...

5th after we head back to the jetty area, gerald sped away on his own and we had to spend 30 mins just to find him back...


the rain didnt interupt much...jus that we saw not allot of wild life at chek jawa...


imho of the sec 1s actions today... they're like a bunch of babies... little bit of mud scares the living shit out of their numb nut asses... totaly disapointed...



i think if i'd bring our school guides, they'd perform much better...


note to all Red Fox Personnel... future out door activities should not have sec 1 participants...


perhaps PLs should teach them more than jus us leaders...


tml is last day at sakae le...


thinking of alot of things now...



hmmm looking at the enzema that sherman has really scares me.... better get a doc consult to see my fingernails and the enzema on my hands....



illness is a very scary thing... it can twist u till u are barely recognizable....

Right on the eve....

i guess when ur with shit u cant expect much...


and u can never expect shit to change...


half expected this thing to turn out this way... yet i choose to see the good in my parents, my family... to not touch my ration for tml's trip...



well fuck me if they'd change...


they wont fucking change a fucking bit in 10 fucking years...



how to expect them to change now?



silly me... could have avoided this but then i choose to see the good in them... that they'd ask before they touch my ration.... now its down to abt half... yippee...




fuck this shit...

IH-IAP...

shit... 3 more months of the same room... same lab...


jus different shit...


this time round really for sure have to do facebook app...



3 team mates 2 designers... so far not much to complain abt but then again its only day 3 of week 1...



today is qingyuan's birthday so happy birthday to you~! lol...



hmmm... been thinking abt some scouts related stuff... jus found out alot of the current year 3 batch (07 batch) are scouts or were scouts...



wondered what made them quit...



anyway a scout is to be loyal... question to all scouts who is reading this... where does your loyalty lie?


dont answer so fast... dig deep into ur heart and think of the answer and see if u are trying to lie to yourself anot...


if ur loyalties no not lie in the same unit as me then i suggest that u remove urself or dont stand in my way... cos i'll grind you down...


yes only the sith deals in absolutes...unfortunately i am the sith for you...



"for those who do not have the stomach for the fight, give them cash to speed their flight"
- William F. Garrison



been trying to reach out... but u seem to shrink away everytime i try to reach to u....


should i jus open up straight away?


or do i jus bid my time?


something tells me that i should write u off...

so tell me... give me a sign... anything...


im here... if u could jus reach out and meet me half way...



i admit im not a perfect guy... im not the best there is around... but if u wan jus say yes and meet me half way...


i'll be waiting...

it is done...

it is done... alot of it actually...



fri finished my FYP... first playable game i had in 3 years... then went on to have steamboat....was exceptionally fun and enjoyable... too bad the night couldnt last longer... if i had a chance to do FYP all over again... i'd pick u all to me my fellow FYP-mates without a moments hesitation...


sat have scouts... did a whole day of team work activities... but dont think the boys really understood the meaning behind the games... perhaps need to debrief in a more proper fashion next time...


today... finally told PW i wanted to quit... and she got the message... next sunday my last day at sakae T2...



looking back... i feel genuinely sad that im leaving them... feels like leaving them in a lurch...


remembered when i first came in... i know nuts... the SVC crew then was fierce, yet understanding... they taught me everything there is to know...under their tutelage i became better...

strange...initially i joined sakae cos NTUC didnt plan my schedule for a long time and i needed money... first day of the job i find it hard... but somehow i like working there... i slowly begin to look forward to working at sakae...

still remembered how i used to hate one of the staff there... she couldnt speak english but kept bossing us around and scold us new comers for making mistakes...


also a teppan chief who screamed at me the first time i did teppanyaki runner and jammed up the whole place...


the old svc crew was a tad impatient... but sure as hell they trained me to be the best there is at Sakae T2... and hell i didnt get to be the best under them...but i damn well tried...theres nothing that can come close to them...ever...


but then slowly one by one the old svc crew left... getting replaced by new less experienced ones...suddenly i became the experienced guy and have to teach new guys...


the pace didnt slacken off though... in fact it became harder... everyday was a challenge to work and be the best i can and to learn the best i can... but i still loved the job then... back then i couldnt think of a better job than Sakae T2...


then the day came... when i was doing my job better than the full-timers there... the day came when i was finally ranked as one of the best at Sakae T2...receiving customer's compliment almost every week... i WAS the best... things was going so well that i reached my pinnacle at Sakae T2...


all the while the old SVC crew was being replaced... uncle tong left... replaced by ben... sin lee got promoted... jeremy finished his attachment... junaina left... danny left....

all that was left was the wonderful one and only me... i was the bright star then...i became the best i could ever be... i started to be aggressive... to want to get customer compliments to want everything... to be very unforgiving and uncompromising...generally i became an ass but couldnt see it...




and then i fell...



i fell from grace...from honor...frm the very thing i swear i will never fall to...


i fell to complacency...


i fell to myself...



i started to get complains from customers... from colleagues... from managers...


started to get scoldings for the things i did.... i didnt know why initially.... after all i still had that stuck up attitude of mine...


then 1 day i got scolded so badly by manager and customer that i was deeply shaken... they said i was the lousiest waiter they've ever seen... and then a manager threatened to fire me if my attitude didnt change...



and then i finally see it...


i see that i am no longer the best... i was never the best to begin with...


i was only the best when i work with the best...

and i failed...




i failed to work well with the new SVC crew that had replaced with old ones... i had worked alone and assumed that i was the best when in fact i am a far of ghost of my former self with the old svc crew...


and then i forced myself to start all over again... to relearn everything once more... to work better with the new batch of svc crew...


and from my fallen state i started to climb up again... i dare not aim to be the best again... i jus aim to do the best i can... to not want compliment but jus to do my job as i have done before my ascend to glory...


i accepted the new change and worked with it... and from the old uncompromising ways i changed to a more flexible way of doing things...


and then i finally see it...i see that the new flexible ways was full of errors... and when i try to correct them... i was met with setbacks after setbacks... side jobs were done haphazardly... things were done sloppily... and the management was fine with it...


when i try to correct it i cant... i got frustrated and reprimanded for it... i start to dislike working cos i find that i cannot make my presence felt... i started to dread working at Sakae T2....hate it even...



but still i have faith that things will turn out better... and that Sakae still needs me cos they have a lack of manpower...


but somehow i feel that i was wrong... on both counts.... things haven turned for the better... and i dont see it turning better in the near future...


and my presence was not felt at all no matter how hard i try....


i told myself its my duty to help Sakae until they have more manpower then i consider quitting and that im honor bound to do my job well...


but yet i still see people working there sloppily and get away with it...


it pisses me off...


and then the svc crew started to get replaced again... soon, joshua and 2 more threw in the towel... i told myself that soon it'll be my turn....



and i started to ask joshua to look for vacancy at his underwater world...


and jus 3 days ago i secured that job and i told Sakae im quitting....today PW didnt even put up a quality fight to convince me to stay...



still no matter how much i look forward to leaving sakae... im still saddened by this... its the closing of a chapter of my life... my life as a svc crew at one of the most prestigious Sakae Sushi in singapore...


no matter how much anger, sadness and frustration working there brought to me... i'll always remember the good times... the times we had laughing at work, having fun at work, sharing the satisfaction of letting a customer enjoy a meal at our restaurant... i'll never forget them... it'll remain etched into my mind and heart... no one can ever rob me of that...



to sum it all up... if i can ever turn back time... i'll never alter my decision to work at sakae sushi... i'd never hesitate to ever work with all of you wonderful characters... you guys really changed my life and for that you all have my eternal gratitude...and this i promise you all who had worked at Sakae Sushi T2 with me: if the world ever comes to an end, keep in mind, i'll always be standing by you, always...

FYPis...

crap... tuesday presentation was crap...



today was also another crap day... freaking bugs everywhere...


tml is re-presentation... have alot of improvements since tuesday's problem... but too bad marks are all set liao...cant change...



yes finally last day tml... abit sad cos its an end to some nice partnership... happy cos its the end of some irritating ones too...

alls well ends well i guess...outside of classroom im sure we're all still frens...



brings abt the point of fate and future lines... butterfly effect and all that chaos theory...


if i were to meet them...all of my current friends, under different circumstances, different places doing different things...


how would things have changed?

how would things have turned out?


u see butterfly effect is very chaotic yet simple to understand...


it happened when a scientist by the name of Lorenz was using a numerical computer model to rerun a weather prediction, when, as a shortcut on a number in the sequence, he entered the decimal .506 instead of entering the full .506127 the computer would hold.

The result was a completely different weather scenario.


in theory the flap of a single butterfly's wings can change the course of weather patterns...


may be if i had worn a different pants to meet the same person on the exact same day... things would have turned out differently?

would like to hope so...but i cant time travel so its all only on paper....




ytd jus called PW told her i want to quit next week...

partly cos i have jus got my sentosa underwater world job...

2nd is i dont feel like working at sakae anymore... not much incentives to make me stay... recently been giving me alot unhappiness and all...



enough is enough... thats what my sec sch OM used to say...


shes not letting me go anyway...i presume im one of the last grp of pple who are competent enough left there...



in reality im not that good... im only good if im working with good people and with a good team...



thats the thing they fail to see... anyway there are people there getting on my nerves... been tolerating them for more than 1 year liao... explode soon? tempting...

simply put:
"If you get fucked every time you try to do your job cleanly, within the system, what do you do? Stand back, and say thank you? No way. You should fight for what you think is right. ... I contributed to it, but it was not my responsibility"
-Ayrton Senna



point to note... i dont like people poking my head... it irritates the living shit out of me...


another thing...


u ask a question, i answer... not happy with the answer try asking someone else... dont bitch about and fuck me over it... im not ur fucking wikipedia...



strangely something seems to be holding me back... i really want to have a campfire next year to celebrate the very first CF on the new grounds...



but i jus have a feeling that things wont fall into place... and that an age of stifle is approaching...

things we though were solved seem to have jus submerged and now are resurfacing...


perhaps im too paranoia... but then again things should not jus be taken in at face value... look past the facade and take in its true meaning...



or maybe we should jus leave them to their own devices and let god sort them all out...



"if you are weak, then dont show your fangs" - deadman wonderland

broken toe nail with mutiple minor lacerations...

no its not a crime scene...nor is it a cause of death...

its the trio of us who got pinked today at ubin...

all wasnt so bad...mine was the lacerations part...the braking wire of the rented bike is alittle broken with some strands of metal wires sticking out of it...

and as i cycle, it kept slicing into the inside of my right ankle...

then on the last stint of the recce trip today we went to the bike park where we tried one of the trail...

at 1 particular rough patch... and i think ervin slipped and then broke his toe nail...

but overall was fun...discovered some durian trees and some cute rabbits what some ubin residents reared...

we had a nice time exploring ubin today...been 5 years since ive been there and alot has changed...


the one thing that hasnt is probably the rural laid back style of life...life there is a huge contrast to mainland singapore....no aircon,no deadline, no hurry, no rush...


down there u can go anywhere u want to... as long as u know how and have the means to do it...



back at mainland by 5 pm...was somehow bored of mainland life after being at ubin 1 whole day...



have some pics to share when i upload them frm my phone...



everytime you see me what do you see?
i feel like im the poor man and your the queen...

cos everytime i see you my heart will skip...
everytime i talk to you my heart leaps...

so how, how?
how do i do it?
how do i ascertain your feeling of me?

the longer this goes... the more fed up i get... jus have to let it off at where u all cant see it...

day 2 and counting...


its not the first time.... wont be the last time...


all these has happened before... and it will happen again...


as long as 1 day she dont learn... history will repeat itself...




i wont call u as failed parents... for i haven been one myself and am thus not fit to judge...



but thus far all u have brought to me is setback after set back...




i worry abt my laptop-that-sounds-like-a-fucking-car-engine cos its mine...


MINE MINE MINE MINE

MINE!!!!!!!

u get it u fricking moronic-dumb-fuck-of-an-asshole... or assholes...



who else will worry for me?


U?


YOU?


U WHO DIDNT EVEN FRICKING GIVE A FUCK WHEN I GRADUATED FROM SEC SCHOOL...


U WHO DIDNT EVEN GIVE A RATS FART WHEN MY DESKTOP BROKE DOWN 3 YEARS AGO...


AND I SHOULD EXPECT U TO GIVE A FUCK NOW?


FUCKING WAKE UP ALRDY...

Eddie's Journal, 11th May 2009, 1.11 pm

final scene from Matrix Revolutions:

Agennt Smith:
"why Mr Anderson? why, why why, why do you do it? why, why get up? why keep fighting? do you believe that you are fighting for something? for more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom or truth? perhaps peace? could it be for love? Illusions Mr Anderson, Vagaries of perception. Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify its existence that is without meaning or purpose! And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself... Although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as "love". You must be able to see it Mr Anderson, you must know it by now. You cant win, it's pointless to keep fighting. Why Mr Anderson, why, why do you persist?"




Neo: "because i choose to"




after 2 days of drinking. and suffering from morning headaches and feeling sickish. time to get my feet back on the ground.


things haven been well for the weekend. no point going into details. have to keep things moving.


realized that bad things can happen. and if we choose to look on the brighter side of things and jus maintain a more buoyant attitude things the bleak future will somehow look nicer and brighter.

unfortunately i just cant look things of the bright side too often. i dont hope very often. cos hope is the first step to despair. which i know cos i have often hope alot in the past just to be let down terribly.

i leave the majority of hoping to more optimistic people.


im too dark and twisted for hope anyway. things ive seen things ive been through all makes me want to stop hoping every single day.


yet every single day of human life has hope in it.

by choosing to have a happy mood really helps to move our day along.

because lots of thing in our life cant be changed by us or by our actions. but our mood directly affects our actions and emotions.

we have to choose. we have choices.


choice. we want it. we hate it. we demand for it.

but at the end of the day we somehow will make choices we regret. choices that are stupid. choices that defines who we are.

and its all up to us to make these choices.

Eddie's Journal, 10th May 2009, 1.30 am

i was killed tonight.


they set me up. that darn customer set me up.

now all i have left is 90 bucks.

im drinking now. drinking to forget this thing. to think that this customer was so filial to their mother. yet did not come back to foot the bill.


they'd jus walk off...



jus walk off...



yet another failure to add to the long list of mine...



brilliant... happy mothers day...

Eddie's Journal, 5th May 2009, 3.50pm

OMG.

OMFG.


WTF?


today digged up my FYP team's DMD blog. fracing pissed when i read her blog posts.


she have time to play her games at home. then keep complaining that we cannot change the game graphics halfway.

frac.


then now that she finish drawing her art. she is doing her own portfolio and her own forum drawings.


WTF man. we are doing our project and she is having her own fun time slacking.

frac u dumb fuck.

Eddie's Journal, 2nd May 2009, 2.00 am

sleepy sleepy eyelids a droopy.


tired.today 2 new "recruits" come to sakae T2. Paul and Louis. both not bad.maybe time to write resign letter?need to think it through.


somehow i feel like blogging about my childhood life story today as i listen to paint it black by the rolling stones.




i was born in 1989, 1 year after my parents got engaged/married(1988). just last year i celebrated their 20 wedding anniversary.



i was 1 week later than the doctors prediction that i would come out. cos i refused to turn around and let my head face downwards.

the gynaecologist on the 8th of August decided im posing a danger to both myself and my mum and therefore performed a caesarean section and then brought me into this world.



i was the only child till about when i was 3(1992). my sister poped out from my mother's womb then.

i still remember putting my hands on my mothers stomach and felt my sister kick inside my mom's womb.



she poped out on the 10th september 1992. after nearly strangling herself with her umbilical cord cos she suddenly turned with her head facing up and the cord went around her neck. and nearly killing my mum cos on 9th september afternoon she went into labour. so my sis poped out in the wee hours of 10th sep.



my relatives said i was a chubby smart baby when i was a baby. when i look at those photos now. i jus think that i was fat last time.

they still said i was very protective of my little sis last time. cos they said whoever other than my mum and dad tried to carry my baby sister. i would be very fierce with them. looking back i still couldnt believe that i could have done that.



growing up i would say it was not fun for me. most of the time from 3-5 years old, almost everyday consisted of caning and beatings i received from my mom.

cos she tried to teach me at a very young age.

i remember she would give me 1 maths chapter to do then the she would go off to work. then i would sleep and watch TV and play with my toys and not do her work.

then when she came home she would cane me all around till im crying and slobbering all over like a fool. over small problem sum mistakes she would slap and cane me all over alot of times.

when i entered primary school it was worst. during the ages of 6-8 i literally fear my mum.

she would sit beside me and watch TV while i do my maths homework. if i was caught watching TV also i would be caned. at the end she would check my work, and then cane me if i do the sums wrongly.

i would also taste the rod for eating too slowly, for talking back at my parents. for even saying something like :"i dont really like this" after my parents cooked a dish or bought something.

i was caned, slapped , got beatened with a belt/belt buckle all over when i grew up as a small boy.



there was 3 times when it really got very bad.

2 out of these 3 times she caned repeatedly on the same spot on my shoulders till the skin split. both shoulders have the skin split. albeit small split.

nonetheless she still continue to cane the same spot till there was little smears of blood on the cane.



the worst one was when i was 8 i think. she managed to split the skin on both my shoulders and some skin on my back. all in total there was i think a total of 5-6 wounds on my back alone. quite a few on my royal rump.

i remembered because for close to 1 week i couldnt sleep on my back, i couldnt sit on a chair without wincing in pain. when i went to school my classmates asked what happen to me cos they can see the cane marks on my forearms. i was too embarrassed to tell them my mum caned me till that state.



strange enough i was also during this stage of caning (btw ages 4-8) that i start to get jealous of my sister.

she for one did not receive as much punishment as me. she could talk back at my parents and not alot of things happen. she got what she wanted.

she would go on shopping trips with my mum and i was to stay at home. if i asked why i was caned, if i argued i was caned.

she can see some small barbie doll toys during shopping and she could just moan and groan and then my parents will buy for her.

for me. i can see my favourite toy and ask :"i want this can?". my parents will say:" u have the money anot?". i'd answer no and then they say:" then cannot lo"

if i even try to moan and groan about it, i'd receive a slap across the face in public. i once tried crying over how other kids got what they wanted and how come i dont. when i got home my mum raced me around the house caning my back. i tried crying once too. didnt forget the taste of the rod for a few weeks.

so during p5 and p6 i rebelled alot. end up i got caned by my pri sch principal in p6.


then came sec school life. the caning 'sessions' dropped drastically.

by now im already accepting that my sister is more superior than me. cos from young my handwriting was horrendous. mum and dad would use every chance to criticize me on that. i tried saying "she is she, me is me". ended up i suffer the pain of the rod again.

so by now i alrdy knew. the more i try to struggle against my parents over anything, be it my sister or over small trivial matters. all i ever get back is pain.



logic is:"whats the use of trying, all i get is pain, when i asked for sunshine, i got rain".

in sec school i rarely taste the rod. if almost none at all. most of the time i just verbally shouted and screamed at my mom and dad. things mostly got resolved this way.



until this 2 incidents.

during sec 2 i was caught shoplifting. my dad talked to me, asked me why i did it. my mum went ballistic, caned and slapped me, hit me, pushed me into walls.

i willingly let her did it though, cos i was ashamed of what i'd done. that night was the only night i cried myself to sleep.


the 2nd time was in sec 3. i wasnt doing my CL assignments and my teacher called me. i was slated to go for a mawai leadership camp. but then my mum called the school and withdrew me from the trip. when i came back i was angry, my mum was angry.

we had a verbal engagement which ended up with me insulting her intelligence in some way. so she promptly grabbed the cane and swung at me.

the 1st hit came vertically down my right eye i think. i was enraged by this hit and i grabbed her hand on her next swing. i wrestled and managed to squeeze the cane out of her hand.

i think i screamed the F-word in her face and said her F-ing way of trying to discipline me was no longer of use. then i proceeded to twist and throw the cane back at her.

she then tried to hit or slap me. but i grabbed both her arms and pushed her around. i think i pushed her into a chair i think. then told her to shut the F up and then i went back to doing my own things.



i think it was here that i know i no longer physically am afraid of her. and she knew that too. but somehow im still controlled by her.

u see at this time my mum has a spare hand phone, so whoever needs it can use it. but my sister is using it alot. sending sms, making calls, and when i really do need it, i cant use it cos my sis would hide the phone. when i told my parents they physically did nothing.


see, my sister is used to getting what she wants.but the karma is coming 1 full circle. when the monthly phone bill came my mum would initially scold my sister. then came the caning part and the slapping and all that usual stuff.

cant say i didnt enjoy seeing my sister getting punished. cos deep inside me i longer for a day where she would be so severely punished that she'd wake up from her f-ing dream.


i start wanting to have a hand phone of my own. started wanting things that i knew i would never get from my parents.

as i entered poly life, started working. i come to equate "money = escape". cos with money i can get what i really wanted. in this sense i find a way to release the "control" my parents have over me. cos its my money and they cant restrict how i spend it.


surely in time my parents start respecting me. in a sense that now im no longer the small kid they have to take care of. to comfort and console when i cry or the berate and punish when i blunder.

i am now ME in their eyes. a rightful entity worth of respect and worth giving some space to.


how do i know this?

there was once i went hiking in pelapah in malaysia. but it rained very heavily so we diverted to mount ohpir.

SG was also affected as certain parts of SG went dark after lightning shorted out some generators.

so i dialed home and my sis answered the phone.

me:"hello, ask mom to pick up the phone"

my sis shouted : "MUM BRO CALLED U COMING TO PICK UP ??"

my mum answered:" DONT DISTURBE ME IM WATCHING TV !!"


so i was thinking. now ur son is less important than ur TV show.



frankly speaking there was a long period of time i really hated my mum. hated her for caning me, for not caring about me for no treating me as an equal to my sister.



until another incident.

back couple of years i was at my grandmothers house.

my dad went there to visit after she had a check up. grandma spoke hainanese dilect which i can understand alittle to just get the gist of what they were saying.

it sort of went like that:

grand ma:"ah gou(thats how she address my dad) have you eaten?"

dad:"yes"

grandma:"has ah boy(refering to me) eaten?"

dad:"yes"

grandma:"what did you(refering to dad) eat?"

dad:"oh just some small stuff later maybe eating again"

grandma:"you got enough to eat anot?(refering to enough cash)"

dad:"yes should be enough"

then my grandma took out $10 note from her purse

grandma:"here take this go eat something filling"

dad:"no need have enough"*pushed the money away*



just FYI, my grandma was working as a dishwasher at the crystal jade at TM. now she too old, the company forced her to retire and now shes suffering from old age.


this incident really gave me a different view. grandma whos 80+, pushing cash into my dad's hand who is pushing 60s.


grandma knows my dad eats alot. she hes mum after all. and in truth my dad used to eat alot last time. but now not so.


a 80 odd years mum caring for a close to 60 years old son who is now my dad.


the thought of this makes me wonder. how can i hate my mum? even if i do hate her for how long will i hate her till? when will i give up and forgive her?



TILL SHES 80 ODD LIKE GRANDMA?


i struggled with this for a long time. this exchange btw grandma and dad goes in conflict with every exchange ive had with my mum.


then i remembered. back when my mum caned me till my skin split, she'd come into my bed room at night and apply ointment to the wounds. no matter how often i quarrelled with her about my scout activities she'd relent in the end and allow me to go.

for me endangering her life in her womb when she was giving birth to me. for all the increases in BP when she was angry with me.

for all these countless minute details of care.


i cannot still be bitter with her. though now and then i will be pissed with her actions. i'd forget them in a few days.


whether its consciously or sub consciously i dont know. but somehow my world became clearer after that.


as for my sis, she'd not seen the exchange so she probably would not see the light, for now shes acting like a real spoiled douche.


all i can say to my parents is :" after all she your daughter, not mine"

its our parents job to protect us from everything, from everything even from our very own selves.

and when we grow up we move out we change.

we become people our own parents dont even recognize. we make decisions.


and then we think that our parents dont love us. cos we think they dont understand.


its the opposite. our parents fight for us. always and they never surrender. when we as their child is on the line they'd never surrender.