hmm... its weird... this isnt right... i happy...
nope it isnt right at all... im happy...
im happy...
me...
i also dunno why....
im jus happy...
happy at what?
i have no idea...
maybe cos im thinking of good things to come?
probably... going to plan for a campfire next year... hopefully im around then...
im probably happy that i finally had a meeting with my PLC a few days ago...
ok lets be frank i have no idea why im happy but im jus happy...
the normal upset depressed me is suddenly happy....
its jus wrong...
anyways i still have to meet up with my ventures, guides, scouts teacher in charge, guides teacher in charge and Raymond Sir...
lotsa things to plan and look forward to working with wonderful characters and weird creatures...
i plan to call my assemble my campfire committee by october and see how things go...
but lets not get ahead of ourselves too much... i still have alot of things and troubles plaguing me...
first of which... GOT PEOPLE SAY I BECOME LIKE CHOCOLATE CAKE!!!!
thanks to karen-im-confused....
reason being i have jus attended a 3D2N camp which was under a hot sun and i had sunburn...
cos majority of the camp consist of me screaming expletives at a bunch of blur and unmotivated scouts and guides...
then actually by day 2 is not so bad the sunburn then i go dragonboat with the campers....
end up i got burned by the sun...
2 weeks later went swimming... again under hot sun... frm 1-5pm...
then jus ytd go swimming again frm 11-3....
so end up im burned again....
so yes im alittle blacker than usual but im not a chocolate cake...
now that i mention swimming it brings me to my post-op scar on my left knee... jus last week after the swim there was a huge amt of pain coming frm there...
as if something under the scar is pulling at my flesh...grrr... pain extend to the muscles then cant walk... for the whole of the week mon to fri...ouch...
oh did i mention the day when i woke up my legs sort of fell asleep again?
lol.... i woke up late as usual... then i started to walk out of my room...
then i dun remember what happen...
but i remembered both my legs suddenly felt very pain and couldnt move...
and then i sort of force myself to walk end up i kinda jump abit landed on my toes in the wrong way and fell forward... i stopped my fall with my hands but then my legs were still pain and couldnt move... so i jus lie there on the floor at the door to my room for a bit...
WHILE my dad watches on from the chair in the living room at me...
erm... FML anyone?
and then there is the jobless problem...
supposedly i left sakae cos im going underwater world to work....
but then the managment screwed up...
they did not tell me the details and so i was left thinking:
"they would not have done this had they had the heart to hire me"
jos tried to apologise to me but i wasnt having any of it... its not his fault... its the underwater world management fault...
so now im collateral from this whole messy affair... srry to the sakae people... i had to lie abt my attachment so that u guys will let me off...
and i had to concoct the lie in such a way that i not only deceived u all but i also deceived myself...
jus ytd i used up the last of my cash in my bank and now im again after so many months... BROKE...
and i still owe my mum 50 bucks.... -_-
there goes my dreams of a year end holiday... and probably my 20th birthday chalet...
i dont even have enough to pay for my phone bills of this month.... T.T
i dunno why... or how... after i told u how i felt... i dont feel myself anymore...
it feels as if all i was doing in the past was wallowing in my own sorrows, regret and 1 sided feelings for eternity...
it seems as if i have walked out of that cycle and then look back at the fool i was...
yet whenever i hear ur name being mention i feel revolted...
i get this feeling that if i were to see u again things will change back...
or change for the worst...
i want to be the new me....
i also want to still be friends with u...
yet i dont contact u... not even an sms...
cos some part of me is still the old me... afraid and not willing to let go...
and u dont contact me too either... so maybe...jus maybe... i should not give up?
and that should i jus continue to get u to like me?
or am i jus deluding myself again?
why isnt there a 10 year series on thing like these...
and then noe... im not happy happy anymore... more of a sad happy now... or a happy sad... i dont really know which...
jus that when it comes to the matter of the heart i dont really share with people... cos i dont really know how to make people understand my point...
sometimes its also hard maybe cos im a guy... and most if not all of my close friends are guys and the normal social prejudice is that guys dont usually open up to guys... normally guys dont open up at all...
cos the normal stereotypical guy dont have these deep feelings... guys have no feelings... they meet a problem they solve it... break things and get it done... they dont get teary eyed or have insecurities...
if they get rejected by girls and they move on to other girl... they dont get second thoughts abt should they continue to get the girl who rejected them... they dont get sentimental at my age... if they got rejected or dumped they forget about it and move on...
but not me... maybe cos i do alot of thinking alot of time... maybe cos im not a guy guy... or maybe cos im weird or stupid... might even be cos i often spend my time alone and emo-ing... but im jus not the normal stereotypical guy...
at least i dont feel like them... cos i do have deep dark feelings that i dont share.... hidden fantasies that i escape to when im alone... things that i cant share willingly... stuff that i dont want the world to know... memories, feelings and emotions that i dont want to lose or let go...
sucks to be me i guess...
oh and july is coming... time for my routine kidneys check again... pure waste of time and money if the doc still says they need to monitor me every half a year...
cant my kidneys jus like get well or jus fail so that i can move on... stop hampering my life... if u are going to fail jus fail... and get the f*** out of my life...
"It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence." -- Mahatma Gandhi
