Eddie's journal, February 15th, 2012 3.24am 0324 hours, Friday.
previous post was also a Friday. coincidence much?
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so i was lying in bed(6 am in the morning i know right?)
and i suffered a rare episode of i-cant-freaking-fall-asleep.
with my NSF term going to be over
i let my mind wandered.
and then i had a sudden insight fully clear revelation while I'm lying on the bed.
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i asked myself what had i learnt these past 2 years?
and i got back a rather unsightly picture
firstly I made the realization that I'm an insecure person.
i always want to find fault with others, want more things, want to perfect things, want to control things.
then i also found out that i perceive security by claiming ownership over worldly possessions.
i have always seek to get thing that belong to me exclusively.
this could be because of my upbringing. as while i was a child i never ever had what i wanted from my parents. so whenever i have something I'm reluctant to share, reluctant to give.
and yes u could argue that its easy to blame the parents. I'll just clarify that I'm not blaming them, I'm just making a statement about it.
i also found that I'm always paranoid about the people and friends around me. i am always second-guessing people. suspecting that they are purposely leaving me out of things.
and sometimes i realize this i also try to avoid them because i know that i can become some sort of a control freak when i do act up.
all these behavioural defunct have caused people to distance themselves with me. so when i blame others on why did they leave me out of some stuff(albeit them didn't do it on purpose) this behavioural cycle repeats and deepens.
and while lying in bed i came to a conclusion i guess i should have came to earlier.
i realize that having friends does not mean owning them and owning their right to choose their right to decide what to do
it took me awhile but now i finally get it.
its not what i did that matters, it was how i did it.
that was my problem all along.
