Eddie's journal, December 12th, 2010 2.36pm 1436 hours

4 months since last post...

whats changed?

lots...

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where do i begin?

honestly i dont know...

when you constantly find things not going your way... and therefore you rage at nothing, everything and everyone... and then you see more things not going your way...

you are blind, blind to not see that you are the problem not others.

and then you ignore that problem and keep thinking that as long as you ignore it you'd be fine...

but honestly are you really fine? how long are you going to keep ignoring and finally accept that you are the idiot?

at times you go out of your way to piss people off and then try to convince them that you are not the problem when they can all see that you are the major problem around.

i was that blind fucker...

ignoring my actions and ignoring that im the problem had made me life so miserable...

in short ive fucked myself...

and its high time i shuld unfuck myself.

and so im going to apologize to everyone who had know that i was the problem.

i dont know if its too late to change or if the change would be effective... but if i dont help myself out of this hole im sure as hell screwed for the rest of my life...

Eddie's journal, August 16th, 2010 11.20pm 2320 hours

dead tired after shift 2 of deployment... tml morning will be going for shift 1...
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the need to love someone... to hold her as i fall asleep at night... to dream of her... to make every moment of my life revolve around her... to tell her everyday no matter how tired i am that i still love her and she beautiful...

yes I'm burning with the need to love someone...

the fire burns... I'm all fuelled up to look for that long lost love...

the urge to move to seek, to be bold, to be daring and audaciously pursue a certain her...




but what happens when that reservoir of fuel burns up?

when the daily stress of life takes its toll on the relationship?

until even talking to her seems to be just a thing i have to get through with everyday?

I'm not the romantically inclined person... the most romantic thing I'll probably ever do is.... well I'm not sure too...

I'm also a person who... well if u know me enough you'll know i get easily affected by stuff and emotional at times... and I'm have my ever present stress mode on...

I'm also not that good at putting aside those stuff when i have to just chill and stop trying to save everything around me from screwing up... i need some help from her sometimes... alot of help...

but i have once let the fuel of love burn up... and it wrecked my life up pretty badly...


so till i figure out what to do, what to say and what happens after after... then I'll probably unleash the burning fire... till then I'll just have to keep extinguishing it...

Eddie's journal, August 6th, 2010 10.23pm 2223 hours

first off welcome back... sorry for the 4 long months of hiatus... booking in and out of SPF life weekends are precious... so was gaming on my 360...

secondly i was actually going to wait till 8th to post this but what the hell... might as well be now or never...
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4 long months since my last posting... shortly after in early June i was sacked as NS14 squad leader...

something that i actually liked at first... cos it didn't solve the problem much... but it sure as hell isn't my problem now...

i also gave back some of my squad mates their very own "why-must-it-be-me" and "couldn't-give-a-fuck" attitude back to them...


maybe that's why i have a feeling they don't like me much... but hey i enjoy being an asshole... but the flip side is that my friend list gets smaller every year...

and then there are times I'd wish i was the squad leader back again... but never mind... it'll all be over soon...
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you know the government could do more to pay us NSF better... the cash we are getting is like peanuts...

more often than not i have been wanting to go out for outings or some rare occasions my friends asked me out to chill i find myself staring into my wallet or bank account statement and i see a disappointing figure...

but things should be better after i POP which will be soon but soon just cant come fast enough and then in a flash it'll be all over...
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actually that day wanted to say I'm not happy... but then you outrank me...

of all the work i put in of all the thing i did and then you ruled in others favor saying he has done more?

in terms of duty performed, roles and responsibilities taken up... I'm sure i would have the upper hand against him if not almost more that the whole squad put together...


no i don't have to agree with your decision to give it to somebody else...
nor do i need to like your decision...

i just have to stick to it and make it work...

but to swallow down the pride and the injustice its like eating 10 whole humble pies on upsize...

wrong make that 100... well at least 50...

perhaps what they say is true... that hope is the first step on the road to disappointment... sometimes the good must perish so that the rest survive...
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there i think I've reached the end... ever since enlisting never really had much to say... cos didn't have time to really pen down my thoughts here...

others are well too hard to express it or to harsh to let the world know that i have those thoughts...

or it might have been the OSA that I've signed... basically meant that if i told you I'd have to hunt you down and liquidate you...


might as well sign a DNR with it too...


well I'm still looking for romance... elusive little bugger...

till next time then...

Eddie's journal, April 4th, 2010 3.16pm

time passes very fast for us.

with the blink of an eye 1 month has passed since i enlist.

do i start this post with my thoughts on my personal life, my squad mates or my scouts?

lets just go with what comes to my mind first.
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when things happen, accidents happen, parties involved always try to look the other way.

pretend nothing has happened, hoping not to bring up the accident in anyway.

but the problem is not really gone, isn't it?


wouldn't this be a classic example of an ostrich syndrome? where you try to bury your head in the ground and pretend that the thing didn't exist when in actual fact it is right there in your face?

or am i really that hard a person to co exist with?


perhaps its really me, i just cant stand all the people in the world who do not consciously use their noggin to think before they act.

i absolutely hate it when I'm serious and the people i interact with think that its a joke.

yes it really is just me. everywhere i go i find it easy to perform well but hard to retain loyal friends, peers and the likes of them.

and all these actions will accumulate into future karma and when i turn old I'd be a white-haired old wrinkled man lying in some anonymous elderly care home with no friends, relatives or child.

Ive a feeling Ive went along this road too far to reverse now. so never mind i guess, when the time comes I'll just have to deal with it again.
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and so 1 month of PTP has come and gone.

living in Foxtrot generally is quite angry and frustrated.

only mildly boring at times.


i hate to say this but some of my squad mates are very unimaginative, uncooperative and totally no initiative.

but me being their squad leader i have to work them no matter, if not for these group of blur people in my squad i wouldn't have a squad to belong to in the first place, much less be the squad leader of one.

living, working and generally being in charge of them is tiring to say the least.

some don't have the basic sense of responsibility for even their own health, others are less motivated than the regular average Joe u see on the streets.

some just want to do the least to get by. some just talk big and do nothing.

and then there are those who thinks that they can do a better job but don't really want to stand up to the pressure of being in charge.

so they try to force, coerce you in to doing things their way.

not to mention that there are those who think that they are better and try to test your patience.


honestly speaking i really don't have a clear idea of what my squad wants, sometimes they do things properly, other times no matter how hard the instructors try they will still any how perform.

and then there are times when they get so frustrated with each others performance that they just break down and fight.


not to mention the countless times the whole squad's been punished due to someones stupid mistake.


i just hope that my squad mates can pull it all together, stop thinking of their own individuals and start thinking of how to better themselves as a squad.

come what may, be it demo squad for the 140th or GOH for NDP. lets just all work together as a squad and do our things properly.

and when its all done we can all walk where the road meets the sun.

i don't want to have to write bad things about the squad in my future squad weekly report anymore.

its sad and frustrating to see things not being done well.
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personally i want to go OCT.

then I'll probably sign on with the force.

but it seems quite hard, have to perform the top 90% for all the tests within the whole 139th.


as for the COY chairman, i would also like to try for that role.

but i cant even take care of my squad properly, much less try taking care of 8 more other squads.

will see how things goes from here on out.
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i think I'll stop at here, haven been back to my scouts for a long time.

wont be fair for me to comment on them.

Eddie's journal, March 5th, 2010 9.53am

pre-enlistment plan, phase 1, movement A:

its official. i failed my pilot compass test.

so now will have to wait for my WSO FTR.

did apply for C3 and UAV.


will have to see how it goes.
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pre-enlistment plan, phase 1, movement B:

so i have finally gotten the campfire committee moving.

the force needed is huge.

but the inertial of the committee is also hard to overcome.

momentum now lies with the new appointed chairman.

and momentum seems to be losing to friction now.
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pre-enlistment plan, phase 2:

today finished a 4D3N chalet.

a big thank you to all who came.
and a big question mark for all those who said coming but didn't show, didn't call, didn't sms.

and some that i expected to come.


no matter. its over. can make up for it though. when i am able to book out on weekends.
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pre-enlistment plan, penultimate phase:

its clear to me now.

thanks for helping me to clear things.

you haven hurt me. no not so easily. merely rejected.

why?

cos I'm not sure if i can take hurt anymore.

there is no room in me for hurt anymore.

so for now i cant take the hurt, i cant take the sad, i cant take the hate.

they will remain in me for too long. far too long.

so I'll have rejected instead of hurt, depressed instead of sad, anger instead of hate.

just the good, the bad and the ugly.

and then I'll keep functioning, keep fighting.

cos there are things that still needs me functioning to progress.

till we meet again. by then I'll know where to shove my feelings into.
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pre-enlistment plan, final phase:

the warrior coughs up a mouthful of blood and spit onto the ground.

his scared armour hanging uselessly on his beaten body.

slowly he starts to rip it off, the broken armour offering not more protection than his own skin.
encumbering him, denying him speed and alacrity.

stabbing his sword into the earth, he begins taking the scrap metal off him.

tearing off his mail gloves, broken gauntlets, chipped and faded pauldrons , cracked gorget the warrior rids himself of the dead weight, slowing him down dragging his feet.

he turns and eyes his sword, he would allow himself to discard his armour but his honor would now allow him to leave his sword behind.

for the sword is honor, without it he might as well die.

the monster looms over him as he withdrew his sword from the ground.

his clan might not remember him as the warrior for fighting till his last breath, but he isn't here for the glory.

he just wants to delay the monster long enough till the village can muster more warriors to fight back.

his honor demands he stand and fight, even if broken and torn as long as he still draws breathe he will have to fight.

and fight he will.

he has lived by the sword, and now in what might be the last moments of his life, his mind in great clarity, he would gladly die by the sword.
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suddenly the skies dont seem so blue blue anymore...

or was that just a passing cloud?

Eddie's journal, February 5th, 2010 9.47pm

847 points.


not easy to squeeze out of all the crappy activities you all had last year.


i had to squeeze and cheat my way out so that you all can get FCS silver.



but then i look at my campfire committee now its horrible.


ventures, scouts and guides all not communicating with each other.


why has it become like this?


is it because i try to appease everyone too much?

is it really that hard to talk with the ventures?

why is it i get more anxious and worried than my vice chairman?

what the hell are they doing?

everyone needs to start to wake up.

starting with me.


GRRRRR ENOUGH

anyone not productive im going to cut you off my campfire committee.

im not going to make people who had put in effort disappointed again.

im not going to take this bullshit anymore.


the axe is going to fall and if you are on the chopping block.

boo-fucking-hoo and too-fucking-bad.




mistake on my part does not mean that my committee aint working.


however mistake on my committee's part means i aint doing my job.


and i damn well will kick some slackers shebs now.

Eddie's journal, February 3rd, 2010 12.03pm

yesterday received Air Force Recruitment Centre's letter.



i failed my Pilot COMPASS test.

however i am asked to go take WSO FTR COMPASS tomorrow.


so i guess its still ok i think.


still will get to fly, abet not in control of the plane.
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campfire committee.

more and more tired of their whining and small little insecurities.


already told them i want 100% committed people. yet i find people giving me excuses that they have tuition during campfire meeting.

WHEN the campfire meeting date is given 1 week in advance.

honestly feel like telling them "not interested then just leave my committee la, dont waste all of our time"


as for my vice-chairman, both deserved to get hammered.

small little things cant decide. never ask for assistance or clarification also.

just anyhow whack.

now it seems as if we will no be having a meeting to let me vet through their proposals.

so be it then, if you all screw up remember you guys are the one that dont want to work with me.

im already sick and tired of pleasing everyone. if you all cant decide i'll decide for you all.

i dont care if i have to step on peoples pride or break their puny brittle hearts, as long as the job gets done i dont really give a damn.
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once again we have reached this place.

the lies of trust have all burned away with the trials of fire.


you have once again started to betray me, plotting against me behind my back, whispering lies about me.


and you wonder why i dont completely trust you.

you of all people who i defended, you of all people who i give a benefit of the doubt.

and now you about face and threaten my place in the kingdom.


you are wrong.


2 can play this game. it could be a life or death ending.


but since i dont have the luxury of time to play with you, i'll fold.


YOU WANT THE CONN???

you have the conn.

take it, and then drown with it.


i fold, but it does not mean i'll make life easier for you.

Eddie's journal, Janruary 31st, 2010 7.33pm

hey.

you would have started working your last shift at sakae by now.


when you breathlessly came up to me just now and tell me that it was your last day today. deep down inside im happy.


im happy because i wont see you again.


it sounds weird but true. im happy cos i wont see you at work anymore.


its true.


not that i dislike you but its the opposite.


im attracted to you.


however you're already attached, therefore i dont want to come in between that.


im not a very good person. in fact im not a good guy at all. there are parts of me that even i myself dont like.


hes a much better person that 10 of me put together.

so i should not, i will not express my feelings for you now.

its just not right.


i dont want to start anything that will mess up your life.


all i can say is "if only i could have met you earlier in my life"

if you're reading this then dont feel sad for me, dont pity me or anything.


just continue to be yourself, feel happy in fact because you are you.


as for me i'll wait. for a better chance for someone else?


which ever comes first.


good luck and best wishes to you.

Eddie's journal, Janruary 25th, 2010 9.44pm

hey.

hows' everyone been?


nothing much happened since last post.


works been the same. scouts been the same. though im not that emo now i still have my quiet moments to contemplate life.
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started working at kiosk since last week. its good but at times its boring and the margin for error is very small. this is due to the fact that its all about cashiering and 1 small mistake you'll have to pay out of your own pocket.


at T3 kiosk all i do all day is morning do sushi, afternoon do cashier.


when not busy listen to airplane pilots rev-ing up their jet engines all day long.


some in preparation for take-off, others for engine testing.

sometimes can see planes "flapping wings" to test their FCS(Flight Control Surfaces) for pre-flight checks.


ytd saw a boeing A380 flap, freaking awesome.

also watch heat streamers from all the jet engines all day, A380 by far has the strongest heat streamers visible.

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besides work, there are some new part timers that joined up after their 'O's.

there are some ladies who work there that im attracted to.

1 i seldom meet at work but shes blur and violent

1 sometimes met up at work and for break but very bo liao

another 2 will only see when i go T3


but then sometimes i will get to a point that i dont feel like seeing them or even talking to them.

cos i dont want to feel the stupid way im feeling now, the feeling of want and dont want at the same time.

i know that some are attached but yet i am attracted to them, and then i know i should not be so i try to distance myself, but then everytime i see her or think of her my heart beats alittle faster and my thoughts become incoherent.


almost like now.


lets stop now before i start raving
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haven heard anything from RSAF about my compass test. still hoping that i can pass but just keep your fingers crossed for me too.

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scouts are still very chaotic, friends are foes and unexpected ally comes from out of nowhere.

let time sort that mess out. im too tired, my objective is to help the boys not to fight over small political gains or power.

i do not lust for more power nor do i seek to destroy power in others.

i believe in cultivating new batch of good scouts not squabble over political maneuverings or holdouts.

sometimes things have to be settled by 1 person, if you all dont want to take charge then when i do it just keep quiet because you were not there to share the burden of thinking of a solution.
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i think thats all i will have to share.

hardly able to come up with any foresight these days.