Eddie's journal, September 25th, 2009 2.11 am

wow. first back-to-back blog post in a long long time.

after visiting the T2 outlet just now. doubts racked my mind. rankling its chains. spreading confusion around. conflicting with my thoughts and my feelings.

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lets not kid myself. yes i have to admit that joanne looks nice. and I'm having thoughts about going back Sakae to work again.

but at the same time. i already had commitments to my scout group.

by now you should know i do my scouts. not just simply because i had promised. or because i have to do it.

its because i like it. its because i want it. its those reason, some unable to be put into words now that makes me go back time, after time, after time.

but then now. there are things that make me feel as if I'm wasting my time on it.

and then there are also things that scouts cant provide me with.

things like a source of income. a chance at romance again.

however i have already promised that i would take care of my scouts properly.

and i have my loyalties with my scout group.

so now I'm stuck.

and i have to make an ultimate choice soon.

to be a man of my word.

or to me a realistic man.

Eddie's journal, September 24th, 2009 1.04 am

hey. I'm back. to bitch.

yeah. thats what i have been doing recently anyway. bitch 'bout this and that.

hindsight's a bitch too. why does it have to be so perfect at 20/20?

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naive. so naive of me.

its hard for a cheetah to change its spots.

honestly. don't push it punk. had to impulse to physically harm you for a long time.

for now i pursue a peaceful solution. but if you keep it on long enough. there will be hell to pay.

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oddly enough. i kinda foresaw all this shit thats happening now. and i say more shit is coming.

Eddie's journal, September 13th, 2009 12.45 am

im back. as usual. haven been here long and this place reeks of dust. too long since i last updated. seems like no one misses me.

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what ive feared most has happened. no one seems to notice it happening. no one seems to care. no one but me.

seems to me that the thing im talking about is dying and all i can do is wipe random flecks of blood of his lips.

disappointing.

perhaps its me. i have imposed too much of my own self on them. so now im backing off. leaving them to their own devices. hope everything works out for them. really.

you ask what happened to the perfect dream? well. it came true. you're looking right at it.

one day all the mess will froth up and mire you down, you'll look up and shout "help me". i'll just look down and whisper "no..."

semper fi my friends.

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mom. just recovered from some stomach flu or food poisoning. already have plenty of energy to PMS about small shit. cant stand her. she have a bloody bad attitude but at the end she just means well. but the way she speaks makes me wanna shove something down her throat just to shut her up.

thats mom i guess. cant live with her, cant live without her. have better heed her words now or would miss her sorely later.

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sometimes i ask myself why. why do i always demand so much out of everything or everyone. like why i demand so much out of my scouts.

i feel that its just me. i always wanted things from young. and will stop at nothing if i really want them.

so that could be a reason why i demand so much. not a good habit. should kick it. probably will take ages.

the eczema it getting worst on both my hands. anyone got good skin docs to recommend? mom was especially PMS-ing about it just now.

bye for now.