if i were to strip down every facade of humanity that i have....what would i see?

let me analyze myself for a moment....

for me i have long ago gave up seeking credit and acclamations.....because for me...no matter how much i prove myself, to my parents i can never and will never ever be the no.1 son they wanted... no matter how hard i try.....all my parents ever had eyes for were for my sister...


to me....credit, accolades,acclamations and acknowledgments no longer have any meaning to me anymore...


i am just so tired of trying so hard being no. 1 amongst my peers to just yet appear as second to my sister in front of my parents ever had.....


i am a person with alot of masks....i treat different people in a so distinct yet at the same time in such an imperceptibly difference that often only i know it....



i wore a mask for scouts....
i wore a mask for sakae sushi....
i wore a mask for my poly friends....
i wear a multiple different masks amongst my own leaders council and towards my ventures....
i even wear mask while at home.....


ironic isin't it?


but sometimes i feel guilty about....most of the time......




all these masks that i wear have been my life for so long....so long that i find them hard to cast aside.....it has already become part of me and i have already became part of them....



no one around me really knows me...the real true me....


cos if you really strip me of all this masks that i wear and all the humanity that i have....



i'll most probably be an endless void of deep dark emotions.....



everything i do have a motive a plan, a hidden secret or agenda that only i know about, and sometimes i dont really know what or why im doing what i do...but i still do it anyway....


im a scheming , dark and fake person....i just dont fit the good person type of character.....



yet somehow, in a huge contradiction to myself.....


i always sub-consciously choose to see one the goodness in people.....

i believe that bad things do happen to good people at time.......

at the same time i believe that things dont just happen....they happened for a reason....



but this a always tell myself.... no matter what i do....i must do it and still be able to walk straight and sleep thight....that if i were to harm i would only harm myself....that i must up hold my own honor(whatever that maybe)...


i told myself....that even if the whole world blames me...but yet i alone knew that what i had done was right...i must still carry myself with my own brand of pride and honor...with my head held up high and my chest trusted out proud....


all others can malign me and threathen me with death...but i have nothing to fear...for only i myself is my only 1 true sole enemy.....