Eddie's journal, November 28th, 2009 11.51pm

people say i have leadership qualities and skills.

i beg to differ.

i say all i have is a gut feeling and a damn loud voice.


and then loyalty. what exactly does it mean?

to different people loyalty means different thing. thus for me to demand loyalty from others is almost a crime. only dictators and tyrants do that.

that's why Ive been rethinking my actions recently.



its not right for me to ask people to be loyal to me. its supposed to be like respect, its to be given, not asked.



often people do not know, being in-charge is a very lonely thing to do.



put it this way:

Mantel of Leadership,
Aura,
Binds On Pickup,
+5 speed
+5 attack
+5 intel
-50 hp
+70 loneliness

sometime its is really really lonely to be right at the top of the food chain.

yes you do get alot of privileges.

but they more often than not don't compensate for the shit you have to go through.



fact 1:
it is lonely to be in-charge.

fact 2:
when you have to make decisions, not everyone will benefit from that decision

fact 3:
when certain party do not stand to gain from your decision,chances are that said party will get hostile faster than you can say "sorry"

fact 4:
if fact 3 occurs then said party will begin conducting offensive operations against you and the friendship between you 2 effectively terminates at this point.



i absolutely detest being in-charge, because its a never-ending cycle of anger, frustration and stress for me


the very definition of a Leader is being at the fore front.



being in-charge means making deliberate, measured decisions made for high stakes, without the support of superiors or subordinates, and with the cost of failure almost incalculable.



Such is the loneliness of command.


such is the loneliness i am feeling now.

Eddie's journal, November 17th, 2009 5.49pm

not much change from the last post. just that i have to reinstall my firefox. caught up with greys anatomy. currently watching kampfer anime only. manga wise still the same.

not doing much with my xbox. cos i dont have the cash to get modern warfare 2. so I'm hoping my parents will get something for me since Ive graduated poly officially.

but then again they are not those who would reward their kids for doing well academically so i guess nothing then.

good news is that come year end or early next year I'm going for a holiday. FINALLY! the last family holiday i had was like when i was 3. so quite looking forward to setting foot on some foreign land and really relax.


moderately good news. I'm enlisting in march into police force. was really hoping to get into army but. haiz. just have to make do with what Ive got.


i have decided not to go back and help anymore. since its not my fight. i should not have interfered. if the cow doesn't want to drink i cant force it.

honestly the meeting with PLC/ventures is for the use of a better word, shit. like Miss Noraini said. he does have a huge legacy, with the scouts with the school. even with Mr Khaw.

so how do i go about changing that? it would be bloody well impossible. so why do it? why keep fighting it? i did choose to. but I'm regretting it now.

be the best i can. this was the best i can give and no one was there to support. so why do i keep fighting for something that i don't benefit from?

i don't get paid i don't get recognised i don't get appreciated.
i only get problems, headaches and a whole lot of nagging.

history is the one thing that humans will never learn. all these has happened before and it is happening again. well i guess I'm the only one concerned over a fate that isn't mine. so to hell with it. I QUIT.


but that was weeks ago. my campfire committee is well not doing good. my scouts aren't talking to the ventures. the guides are completely off the radar. not sure if they are there or not. things aren't looking good. but campfire committee and scouts are separate things, i have to be sure not to put the 2 things together.


recently I'm like having a little sleeping problems. well thinking of the scouts problem the campfire problem and the cash problem and relations problem and all that. looking back this time last year i was angry, sad and heartbroken. now my heart is unbroken but otherwise I'm as equally burdened and depressed.


everynight i spend 10 mins trying to forget all the problems but some nights it would take longer. and then in the morning i would have 20 seconds of carefree me until i start to think of today's date, time and where am i in terms of all the problems i have. then I'd wish i haven woke up at all.


sometimes i dunno why i do what i did. i just know that i should do it. other times I'm just lost and taking a leap of faith.


if I'm no longer a friend to you, you'd just have to say it. then I'd back off. don't have to avoid me this way till its so obvious. sometimes things you don't say are as clear as day to me. friends don't have to be this way. if I'm crossing the line just tell me. I'll know what to do.


flying through the valley of lies, deceit and betrayal i shall feel no fear. for i am at 16,000 feet and diving.