Eddie's journal, February 15th, 2012 3.24am 0324 hours, Friday.

previous post was also a Friday. coincidence much?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so i was lying in bed(6 am in the morning i know right?)

and i suffered a rare episode of i-cant-freaking-fall-asleep.

with my NSF term going to be over

i let my mind wandered.

and then i had a sudden insight fully clear revelation while I'm lying on the bed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i asked myself what had i learnt these past 2 years?

and i got back a rather unsightly picture

firstly I made the realization that I'm an insecure person.

i always want to find fault with others, want more things, want to perfect things, want to control things.

then i also found out that i perceive security by claiming ownership over worldly possessions.

i have always seek to get thing that belong to me exclusively.

this could be because of my upbringing. as while i was a child i never ever had what i wanted from my parents. so whenever i have something I'm reluctant to share, reluctant to give.

and yes u could argue that its easy to blame the parents. I'll just clarify that I'm not blaming them, I'm just making a statement about it.

i also found that I'm always paranoid about the people and friends around me. i am always second-guessing people. suspecting that they are purposely leaving me out of things.

and sometimes i realize this i also try to avoid them because i know that i can become some sort of a control freak when i do act up.

all these behavioural defunct have caused people to distance themselves with me. so when i blame others on why did they leave me out of some stuff(albeit them didn't do it on purpose) this behavioural cycle repeats and deepens.

and while lying in bed i came to a conclusion i guess i should have came to earlier.

i realize that having friends does not mean owning them and owning their right to choose their right to decide what to do

it took me awhile but now i finally get it.

its not what i did that matters, it was how i did it.

that was my problem all along.