Eddie's journal, April 3rd, 2011 12.55am 0055 hours, Saturday.

its been very long.

sorry for the long delay.

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PO's life is abit like living on the edge.

sometimes its easy, often its not.

perhaps a good time to reveal my life story.

go on cry me buckets of tears when im done.

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im the elder son of 2. from young been kinda oppressed by my sister's ability to out-shine me in studies.

i would say my results were reasonable good till pri 2. a rather nasty incident happened. kinda look study when i talk abt it now but i guess back then it was all that i ever gave a damn about.

see my parents promised me a gameboy(yeah it was THAT old school) if i had gotten band 1s and 2s for my EOY exams... and true enough i did.

however as a classic parent lie it didnt come true. bearing in mind that then i was 7 and since the age of 3 i didnt have any birthday present. i was thoroughly upset(read fucking unhappy) about it.

so naturally back then as a small boy the decision to flunk my studies because of this just so happen into the small boy's mind (fuck man, what were u thinking?)

in pri school didnt have any ECA cos my parents wanted to monitor my studies.

between pri 2-6 my results was like a USS roller coaster. my parents tried to send me to tuition but i would run away from tuition(i had thought that they were boring and wasting my time)..

i barely managed to pass PSLE with a score of 205. then enrolled in Manjusri Secondary School Express stream.

so i thought i was lucky and just played my ass off in sec 1-2. i was quite a bad boy then, always disturbing girls and not handing in homework and stuff.

back then my parents also didnt provide me with a handphone like all the over students of my age. so i didnt have a stable network of friends through my sec school life. i was way to cocky back then.

then i had this one friend who i guess woke me up to the reality. if i remember correctly i was pestering him one day for an outing. then he got angry cos i was pestering him so he shouted angrily at me:" hey u think u are damn good isst? u think everyone likes u ar? if people want to go out with u people will come and look for u."

i guess this coupled with my bad results knocked me all the way down the self-esteem ladder.

then a bad brush with the law came along at the end of sec 2.

again back then the small young boy made a simple equation. money=freedom. cos with money i could buy what i wanted and therefore i am not restricted by my parents. especially when i was at my CCA scouts. i experienced the first time in my life, a unilateral sense of freedom i never felt before.

so having little to no money i resorted to shop-lifting.(ironic that now im a PO)

you can run but u can never escape the law. so i was caught red-handed once.

no official police report was made. the items were paid for by my parents so the shop let me off with a stern warning.

bearing in mind sec 2 was the ultra-rebellious period my relationship with my parents were always on the rocks. to say that they were pissed at me abt this is and understatement. they are possibly livid about it.

i expected a good scolding and caning from them as they regularly did back primary school days and sometimes in secondary level.

i for one was absolutely ashamed of what i did. my parents had always restricted me to this and that and often not trust me. after the incident i had expected them to kick me out of the household.

ok my mum did shout at me and slapped me silly and all that, i guess canning involved i couldnt remember but my dad was the other way round.

he simply told me to go think about what i had done and if my action reflect the way they brought me up. i remembered clearly i could sleep properly for that whole week.

gradually i started to improve my studies but it was too late. i barely got myself into a spot in the last express class for sec3.

in sec 3 my class was what i would say colorful people. i once had a maths classtest, i scored 6/10 and i was top scorer in my class. the rest of them failed. i aced my combined chemistry back then(try not studying for a major test and score 87/100) :P

i became a badass study boy. kinda became the teacher's pet for wanting to try all the questions and give all the answers. in the process i became result-focused and not people-orientated and my PR with the entire class suffered.

CCA side was similar, my scout unit back then had alot of type A personalities including me and we were constantly at war. but that story is for another day :)

then sec 4 came. my lonewolf approach although has effectively alienated myself from the whole class and i was always lonely. so much for being the smarty pants, but girls do take notice i guess. back then before o levels i had a study group of 4 including myself. there was a particular girl i had a big infatuation on.

and then o levels came and gone, the infatuation grew quite intense for awhile but after a long time(abt 2 years) then i convinced myself that he was not fit for her.

my o levels results was greatly helped by my CCA participation. in sec 4 i volunteered for the school anniversary key position holder and managed to get the Guard Of Honor Contingent Commander. my teachers was all disapproving of it, and my mid years for sec 4 dipped. but luckily i managed to pull back for my O's. my L1R4 was 18 but after minus CCA was 13.

the anniversary my parents as per normal didnt turn up, they cited reasons as not free working, lazy.

so after sec 4 u could say i got a good CCA record and had good marks. but then i fucked myself but not going for poly open-house and then anyhow selecting my courses.

i picked Diploma in Digital Entertainment Technology. again that section of story is for another day :)

during my CCA time i developed a character whereby i would evaluate if certain thing was worth me investing time and trying to get it. and should i decide to do a certain thing i would do my very best to attain what i set out for initially. if something i deemed was to be wasting time i would do a half fuck job, not even when threatened with demotion by my teacher-in-charge deters me. to me if its not woth my efforts i'll just tell people its no point doing it.

i developed a very stubborn streak that my peers hate and admire at the same time. they often dont see me commit myself to their plans and would often be at loggerheads with them. however when i commit myself into their plans, no matter how impossible the thing seems to be my stubborn streak will make sure i push the plan through no matter the odds.

i guess it stems from the fact that since young all i ever did was to look for approval from my parents who were never there to praise me or to give me their approval. the fact that till date i had never received a birthday present from them since my 3rd birthday one speaks volumes.

perhaps it was their way of nurturing me, perhaps it because they know that im a cocky bustard and once some one praise me my head would grow so big that i cant see my own ass.

nevertheless its in me now. often i'll tell others that either we do thing to the very best or dont even try at all. and i constantly put that stress upon myself that anything i do will have to be perfect or as close to perfect as possible. i can sometimes tolerate mistakes from others but i find it hard to accept mistake that i commit myself. guess im still looking for that parental approval that probably will never come.

i think because of this i have a very tightly wound moral compass and very high standards of myself that sometimes when i fail it plunges me into depths of very low esteem and emo-ness.

lastly is that i get very pissed when i see people with potential choose to ignore a chance to grow and nurture themselves into something more. i think its cos i was often passed over for chance to go OBS back in sec school time but my sister who at that time had a very bad character was sponsored by my parents to go.

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so i guess that the major plot lines of my life story. btw poly life and now there a small chapter inbetween. but i think its enough for now. plenty of stuff for u readers to absorb.