Eddie's journal, August 16th, 2010 11.20pm 2320 hours

dead tired after shift 2 of deployment... tml morning will be going for shift 1...
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the need to love someone... to hold her as i fall asleep at night... to dream of her... to make every moment of my life revolve around her... to tell her everyday no matter how tired i am that i still love her and she beautiful...

yes I'm burning with the need to love someone...

the fire burns... I'm all fuelled up to look for that long lost love...

the urge to move to seek, to be bold, to be daring and audaciously pursue a certain her...




but what happens when that reservoir of fuel burns up?

when the daily stress of life takes its toll on the relationship?

until even talking to her seems to be just a thing i have to get through with everyday?

I'm not the romantically inclined person... the most romantic thing I'll probably ever do is.... well I'm not sure too...

I'm also a person who... well if u know me enough you'll know i get easily affected by stuff and emotional at times... and I'm have my ever present stress mode on...

I'm also not that good at putting aside those stuff when i have to just chill and stop trying to save everything around me from screwing up... i need some help from her sometimes... alot of help...

but i have once let the fuel of love burn up... and it wrecked my life up pretty badly...


so till i figure out what to do, what to say and what happens after after... then I'll probably unleash the burning fire... till then I'll just have to keep extinguishing it...

Eddie's journal, August 6th, 2010 10.23pm 2223 hours

first off welcome back... sorry for the 4 long months of hiatus... booking in and out of SPF life weekends are precious... so was gaming on my 360...

secondly i was actually going to wait till 8th to post this but what the hell... might as well be now or never...
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4 long months since my last posting... shortly after in early June i was sacked as NS14 squad leader...

something that i actually liked at first... cos it didn't solve the problem much... but it sure as hell isn't my problem now...

i also gave back some of my squad mates their very own "why-must-it-be-me" and "couldn't-give-a-fuck" attitude back to them...


maybe that's why i have a feeling they don't like me much... but hey i enjoy being an asshole... but the flip side is that my friend list gets smaller every year...

and then there are times I'd wish i was the squad leader back again... but never mind... it'll all be over soon...
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you know the government could do more to pay us NSF better... the cash we are getting is like peanuts...

more often than not i have been wanting to go out for outings or some rare occasions my friends asked me out to chill i find myself staring into my wallet or bank account statement and i see a disappointing figure...

but things should be better after i POP which will be soon but soon just cant come fast enough and then in a flash it'll be all over...
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actually that day wanted to say I'm not happy... but then you outrank me...

of all the work i put in of all the thing i did and then you ruled in others favor saying he has done more?

in terms of duty performed, roles and responsibilities taken up... I'm sure i would have the upper hand against him if not almost more that the whole squad put together...


no i don't have to agree with your decision to give it to somebody else...
nor do i need to like your decision...

i just have to stick to it and make it work...

but to swallow down the pride and the injustice its like eating 10 whole humble pies on upsize...

wrong make that 100... well at least 50...

perhaps what they say is true... that hope is the first step on the road to disappointment... sometimes the good must perish so that the rest survive...
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there i think I've reached the end... ever since enlisting never really had much to say... cos didn't have time to really pen down my thoughts here...

others are well too hard to express it or to harsh to let the world know that i have those thoughts...

or it might have been the OSA that I've signed... basically meant that if i told you I'd have to hunt you down and liquidate you...


might as well sign a DNR with it too...


well I'm still looking for romance... elusive little bugger...

till next time then...

Eddie's journal, April 4th, 2010 3.16pm

time passes very fast for us.

with the blink of an eye 1 month has passed since i enlist.

do i start this post with my thoughts on my personal life, my squad mates or my scouts?

lets just go with what comes to my mind first.
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when things happen, accidents happen, parties involved always try to look the other way.

pretend nothing has happened, hoping not to bring up the accident in anyway.

but the problem is not really gone, isn't it?


wouldn't this be a classic example of an ostrich syndrome? where you try to bury your head in the ground and pretend that the thing didn't exist when in actual fact it is right there in your face?

or am i really that hard a person to co exist with?


perhaps its really me, i just cant stand all the people in the world who do not consciously use their noggin to think before they act.

i absolutely hate it when I'm serious and the people i interact with think that its a joke.

yes it really is just me. everywhere i go i find it easy to perform well but hard to retain loyal friends, peers and the likes of them.

and all these actions will accumulate into future karma and when i turn old I'd be a white-haired old wrinkled man lying in some anonymous elderly care home with no friends, relatives or child.

Ive a feeling Ive went along this road too far to reverse now. so never mind i guess, when the time comes I'll just have to deal with it again.
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and so 1 month of PTP has come and gone.

living in Foxtrot generally is quite angry and frustrated.

only mildly boring at times.


i hate to say this but some of my squad mates are very unimaginative, uncooperative and totally no initiative.

but me being their squad leader i have to work them no matter, if not for these group of blur people in my squad i wouldn't have a squad to belong to in the first place, much less be the squad leader of one.

living, working and generally being in charge of them is tiring to say the least.

some don't have the basic sense of responsibility for even their own health, others are less motivated than the regular average Joe u see on the streets.

some just want to do the least to get by. some just talk big and do nothing.

and then there are those who thinks that they can do a better job but don't really want to stand up to the pressure of being in charge.

so they try to force, coerce you in to doing things their way.

not to mention that there are those who think that they are better and try to test your patience.


honestly speaking i really don't have a clear idea of what my squad wants, sometimes they do things properly, other times no matter how hard the instructors try they will still any how perform.

and then there are times when they get so frustrated with each others performance that they just break down and fight.


not to mention the countless times the whole squad's been punished due to someones stupid mistake.


i just hope that my squad mates can pull it all together, stop thinking of their own individuals and start thinking of how to better themselves as a squad.

come what may, be it demo squad for the 140th or GOH for NDP. lets just all work together as a squad and do our things properly.

and when its all done we can all walk where the road meets the sun.

i don't want to have to write bad things about the squad in my future squad weekly report anymore.

its sad and frustrating to see things not being done well.
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personally i want to go OCT.

then I'll probably sign on with the force.

but it seems quite hard, have to perform the top 90% for all the tests within the whole 139th.


as for the COY chairman, i would also like to try for that role.

but i cant even take care of my squad properly, much less try taking care of 8 more other squads.

will see how things goes from here on out.
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i think I'll stop at here, haven been back to my scouts for a long time.

wont be fair for me to comment on them.