Eddie's journal, December 30th, 2009 11.38pm

been awhile since i updated.


RSAF called me regarding my application for pilot/reserve pilot.


asked me to go for a test next week 6th jan.


will update on that when i can, if i can.


but is there such a thing as reserve pilot?

weird...

wish me best of luck anyway.
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just been home after jing2x band concert.


as her band-mates were saying how much their teacher put in effort and how they won all their accolades, something suddenly dawned on me.


band.

a CCA.

just like Scouts.

their teacher put in alot of effort.

something which i should not criticise nor disrespect about.

but as for the traditions, the ceremonies, the grandeur, and the recognition.


we UGs dont lack too much in that too.


what do i mean?

often when we are a scout, we are drilled with discipline and training.
and more of those 2.

when we attain an award/prize, most of the time if not always the award do not seem to concern us as boys.

reason being we as men do not have control over what is going to be taught to us and what direction our unit is going to go.


whereas for other cultural groups like dance, band, CO.

the members have a say in what they are doing and how they want to go about doing it.
hence when they win accolades they will feel proud they will feel like they do belong somewhere and will therefore motivate their less competent junior to beat them or at least maintain their standards.

they have a right to choose.
they will feel more motivated to turn up and perform well as time pass.


I'm not saying that UGs in general do not have a chance for the men to choose what they want to do. its that they don not have that much a luxury as cultural groups.


reason being UGs look for discipline, orders from the top are to be executed. no questions asked.period

but in the process we strip them of their rights to choose and as time pass alot of people get turned off by this.

some of my sec 1s are already slipping out of my fingers.


now hours after the end of her concert I'm thinking.


how do i go about giving the rights back to my boys,
and in the process not let them climb over my head?

my sec3s already have the rights to choose.
and some have chose to be the bad apple.


how do i not let these bad apples influence the rest?


how do i let my boys know that when we do win an award its not just their seniors that have the glory but the rest of them can partake in the pot of gold as well?

how do i make my boys know that the unit needs them as much as they need it?


looking back those years. why was i so enthusiastic about scouts?


i did have something to proof. i wanted to proof to my parents that I'm independent.

i wanted to proof that i was a leader material.

i wanted the honor of leading the scout unit as an SPL.

i wanted to right the wrong i did back in sec 1 and sec 2.

and when i finally did.

i was at the top of the world.

then like physics it all came tumbling down in poly year 1.


took me 2 years to climb up and just half a year for my downfall.


and now I'm climbing back up again.

this time i want to make things better, for my boys for my unit.

for me.

and these are the questions i have that i hope with the turn of the new year i will find answers.
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digging through all my old stuff.

found letters.

most are from classmates, friendly well-wishing letters.(i don't really have alot of letters though)

and i came across a letter than i had but didn't remember it.


guess was due to the messy affair after that.


still i have not properly apologised to her after we broke up.

i opened the letter, read through it, my heart stopped.

and then my inner self sighed.


i think back to the time i spent with her.

and i have this to say:

i thank you for the letter, and i hope that you are well.
what i have done in the past i do not wish to deny any responsibility.

but i do hope that we can put it behind us and lets just be friends.
friends who talk to each other in times of need, friends who do sms each other.
friends who do say "hi" to each other on the streets or sms you suddenly out of the blue.

i too am grateful for meeting you and am thankful that you were once there for me.

last but not least I'll never regret knowing you.
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i have a feel that something good is about to happen. and to me the world suddenly seem much much brighter after the RSAF recruiter called.

though things still don't change, i feel as if I've stepped out of a shadow.

i don't know how much I'm going to change nor do i know how long it will be or last.


but i just want to cherish it now that I'm no longer thinking of no-win scenarios again.