Eddie's Journal, 2nd May 2009, 2.00 am

sleepy sleepy eyelids a droopy.


tired.today 2 new "recruits" come to sakae T2. Paul and Louis. both not bad.maybe time to write resign letter?need to think it through.


somehow i feel like blogging about my childhood life story today as i listen to paint it black by the rolling stones.




i was born in 1989, 1 year after my parents got engaged/married(1988). just last year i celebrated their 20 wedding anniversary.



i was 1 week later than the doctors prediction that i would come out. cos i refused to turn around and let my head face downwards.

the gynaecologist on the 8th of August decided im posing a danger to both myself and my mum and therefore performed a caesarean section and then brought me into this world.



i was the only child till about when i was 3(1992). my sister poped out from my mother's womb then.

i still remember putting my hands on my mothers stomach and felt my sister kick inside my mom's womb.



she poped out on the 10th september 1992. after nearly strangling herself with her umbilical cord cos she suddenly turned with her head facing up and the cord went around her neck. and nearly killing my mum cos on 9th september afternoon she went into labour. so my sis poped out in the wee hours of 10th sep.



my relatives said i was a chubby smart baby when i was a baby. when i look at those photos now. i jus think that i was fat last time.

they still said i was very protective of my little sis last time. cos they said whoever other than my mum and dad tried to carry my baby sister. i would be very fierce with them. looking back i still couldnt believe that i could have done that.



growing up i would say it was not fun for me. most of the time from 3-5 years old, almost everyday consisted of caning and beatings i received from my mom.

cos she tried to teach me at a very young age.

i remember she would give me 1 maths chapter to do then the she would go off to work. then i would sleep and watch TV and play with my toys and not do her work.

then when she came home she would cane me all around till im crying and slobbering all over like a fool. over small problem sum mistakes she would slap and cane me all over alot of times.

when i entered primary school it was worst. during the ages of 6-8 i literally fear my mum.

she would sit beside me and watch TV while i do my maths homework. if i was caught watching TV also i would be caned. at the end she would check my work, and then cane me if i do the sums wrongly.

i would also taste the rod for eating too slowly, for talking back at my parents. for even saying something like :"i dont really like this" after my parents cooked a dish or bought something.

i was caned, slapped , got beatened with a belt/belt buckle all over when i grew up as a small boy.



there was 3 times when it really got very bad.

2 out of these 3 times she caned repeatedly on the same spot on my shoulders till the skin split. both shoulders have the skin split. albeit small split.

nonetheless she still continue to cane the same spot till there was little smears of blood on the cane.



the worst one was when i was 8 i think. she managed to split the skin on both my shoulders and some skin on my back. all in total there was i think a total of 5-6 wounds on my back alone. quite a few on my royal rump.

i remembered because for close to 1 week i couldnt sleep on my back, i couldnt sit on a chair without wincing in pain. when i went to school my classmates asked what happen to me cos they can see the cane marks on my forearms. i was too embarrassed to tell them my mum caned me till that state.



strange enough i was also during this stage of caning (btw ages 4-8) that i start to get jealous of my sister.

she for one did not receive as much punishment as me. she could talk back at my parents and not alot of things happen. she got what she wanted.

she would go on shopping trips with my mum and i was to stay at home. if i asked why i was caned, if i argued i was caned.

she can see some small barbie doll toys during shopping and she could just moan and groan and then my parents will buy for her.

for me. i can see my favourite toy and ask :"i want this can?". my parents will say:" u have the money anot?". i'd answer no and then they say:" then cannot lo"

if i even try to moan and groan about it, i'd receive a slap across the face in public. i once tried crying over how other kids got what they wanted and how come i dont. when i got home my mum raced me around the house caning my back. i tried crying once too. didnt forget the taste of the rod for a few weeks.

so during p5 and p6 i rebelled alot. end up i got caned by my pri sch principal in p6.


then came sec school life. the caning 'sessions' dropped drastically.

by now im already accepting that my sister is more superior than me. cos from young my handwriting was horrendous. mum and dad would use every chance to criticize me on that. i tried saying "she is she, me is me". ended up i suffer the pain of the rod again.

so by now i alrdy knew. the more i try to struggle against my parents over anything, be it my sister or over small trivial matters. all i ever get back is pain.



logic is:"whats the use of trying, all i get is pain, when i asked for sunshine, i got rain".

in sec school i rarely taste the rod. if almost none at all. most of the time i just verbally shouted and screamed at my mom and dad. things mostly got resolved this way.



until this 2 incidents.

during sec 2 i was caught shoplifting. my dad talked to me, asked me why i did it. my mum went ballistic, caned and slapped me, hit me, pushed me into walls.

i willingly let her did it though, cos i was ashamed of what i'd done. that night was the only night i cried myself to sleep.


the 2nd time was in sec 3. i wasnt doing my CL assignments and my teacher called me. i was slated to go for a mawai leadership camp. but then my mum called the school and withdrew me from the trip. when i came back i was angry, my mum was angry.

we had a verbal engagement which ended up with me insulting her intelligence in some way. so she promptly grabbed the cane and swung at me.

the 1st hit came vertically down my right eye i think. i was enraged by this hit and i grabbed her hand on her next swing. i wrestled and managed to squeeze the cane out of her hand.

i think i screamed the F-word in her face and said her F-ing way of trying to discipline me was no longer of use. then i proceeded to twist and throw the cane back at her.

she then tried to hit or slap me. but i grabbed both her arms and pushed her around. i think i pushed her into a chair i think. then told her to shut the F up and then i went back to doing my own things.



i think it was here that i know i no longer physically am afraid of her. and she knew that too. but somehow im still controlled by her.

u see at this time my mum has a spare hand phone, so whoever needs it can use it. but my sister is using it alot. sending sms, making calls, and when i really do need it, i cant use it cos my sis would hide the phone. when i told my parents they physically did nothing.


see, my sister is used to getting what she wants.but the karma is coming 1 full circle. when the monthly phone bill came my mum would initially scold my sister. then came the caning part and the slapping and all that usual stuff.

cant say i didnt enjoy seeing my sister getting punished. cos deep inside me i longer for a day where she would be so severely punished that she'd wake up from her f-ing dream.


i start wanting to have a hand phone of my own. started wanting things that i knew i would never get from my parents.

as i entered poly life, started working. i come to equate "money = escape". cos with money i can get what i really wanted. in this sense i find a way to release the "control" my parents have over me. cos its my money and they cant restrict how i spend it.


surely in time my parents start respecting me. in a sense that now im no longer the small kid they have to take care of. to comfort and console when i cry or the berate and punish when i blunder.

i am now ME in their eyes. a rightful entity worth of respect and worth giving some space to.


how do i know this?

there was once i went hiking in pelapah in malaysia. but it rained very heavily so we diverted to mount ohpir.

SG was also affected as certain parts of SG went dark after lightning shorted out some generators.

so i dialed home and my sis answered the phone.

me:"hello, ask mom to pick up the phone"

my sis shouted : "MUM BRO CALLED U COMING TO PICK UP ??"

my mum answered:" DONT DISTURBE ME IM WATCHING TV !!"


so i was thinking. now ur son is less important than ur TV show.



frankly speaking there was a long period of time i really hated my mum. hated her for caning me, for not caring about me for no treating me as an equal to my sister.



until another incident.

back couple of years i was at my grandmothers house.

my dad went there to visit after she had a check up. grandma spoke hainanese dilect which i can understand alittle to just get the gist of what they were saying.

it sort of went like that:

grand ma:"ah gou(thats how she address my dad) have you eaten?"

dad:"yes"

grandma:"has ah boy(refering to me) eaten?"

dad:"yes"

grandma:"what did you(refering to dad) eat?"

dad:"oh just some small stuff later maybe eating again"

grandma:"you got enough to eat anot?(refering to enough cash)"

dad:"yes should be enough"

then my grandma took out $10 note from her purse

grandma:"here take this go eat something filling"

dad:"no need have enough"*pushed the money away*



just FYI, my grandma was working as a dishwasher at the crystal jade at TM. now she too old, the company forced her to retire and now shes suffering from old age.


this incident really gave me a different view. grandma whos 80+, pushing cash into my dad's hand who is pushing 60s.


grandma knows my dad eats alot. she hes mum after all. and in truth my dad used to eat alot last time. but now not so.


a 80 odd years mum caring for a close to 60 years old son who is now my dad.


the thought of this makes me wonder. how can i hate my mum? even if i do hate her for how long will i hate her till? when will i give up and forgive her?



TILL SHES 80 ODD LIKE GRANDMA?


i struggled with this for a long time. this exchange btw grandma and dad goes in conflict with every exchange ive had with my mum.


then i remembered. back when my mum caned me till my skin split, she'd come into my bed room at night and apply ointment to the wounds. no matter how often i quarrelled with her about my scout activities she'd relent in the end and allow me to go.

for me endangering her life in her womb when she was giving birth to me. for all the increases in BP when she was angry with me.

for all these countless minute details of care.


i cannot still be bitter with her. though now and then i will be pissed with her actions. i'd forget them in a few days.


whether its consciously or sub consciously i dont know. but somehow my world became clearer after that.


as for my sis, she'd not seen the exchange so she probably would not see the light, for now shes acting like a real spoiled douche.


all i can say to my parents is :" after all she your daughter, not mine"

its our parents job to protect us from everything, from everything even from our very own selves.

and when we grow up we move out we change.

we become people our own parents dont even recognize. we make decisions.


and then we think that our parents dont love us. cos we think they dont understand.


its the opposite. our parents fight for us. always and they never surrender. when we as their child is on the line they'd never surrender.