Eddie's journal, December 30th, 2009 11.38pm

been awhile since i updated.


RSAF called me regarding my application for pilot/reserve pilot.


asked me to go for a test next week 6th jan.


will update on that when i can, if i can.


but is there such a thing as reserve pilot?

weird...

wish me best of luck anyway.
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just been home after jing2x band concert.


as her band-mates were saying how much their teacher put in effort and how they won all their accolades, something suddenly dawned on me.


band.

a CCA.

just like Scouts.

their teacher put in alot of effort.

something which i should not criticise nor disrespect about.

but as for the traditions, the ceremonies, the grandeur, and the recognition.


we UGs dont lack too much in that too.


what do i mean?

often when we are a scout, we are drilled with discipline and training.
and more of those 2.

when we attain an award/prize, most of the time if not always the award do not seem to concern us as boys.

reason being we as men do not have control over what is going to be taught to us and what direction our unit is going to go.


whereas for other cultural groups like dance, band, CO.

the members have a say in what they are doing and how they want to go about doing it.
hence when they win accolades they will feel proud they will feel like they do belong somewhere and will therefore motivate their less competent junior to beat them or at least maintain their standards.

they have a right to choose.
they will feel more motivated to turn up and perform well as time pass.


I'm not saying that UGs in general do not have a chance for the men to choose what they want to do. its that they don not have that much a luxury as cultural groups.


reason being UGs look for discipline, orders from the top are to be executed. no questions asked.period

but in the process we strip them of their rights to choose and as time pass alot of people get turned off by this.

some of my sec 1s are already slipping out of my fingers.


now hours after the end of her concert I'm thinking.


how do i go about giving the rights back to my boys,
and in the process not let them climb over my head?

my sec3s already have the rights to choose.
and some have chose to be the bad apple.


how do i not let these bad apples influence the rest?


how do i let my boys know that when we do win an award its not just their seniors that have the glory but the rest of them can partake in the pot of gold as well?

how do i make my boys know that the unit needs them as much as they need it?


looking back those years. why was i so enthusiastic about scouts?


i did have something to proof. i wanted to proof to my parents that I'm independent.

i wanted to proof that i was a leader material.

i wanted the honor of leading the scout unit as an SPL.

i wanted to right the wrong i did back in sec 1 and sec 2.

and when i finally did.

i was at the top of the world.

then like physics it all came tumbling down in poly year 1.


took me 2 years to climb up and just half a year for my downfall.


and now I'm climbing back up again.

this time i want to make things better, for my boys for my unit.

for me.

and these are the questions i have that i hope with the turn of the new year i will find answers.
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digging through all my old stuff.

found letters.

most are from classmates, friendly well-wishing letters.(i don't really have alot of letters though)

and i came across a letter than i had but didn't remember it.


guess was due to the messy affair after that.


still i have not properly apologised to her after we broke up.

i opened the letter, read through it, my heart stopped.

and then my inner self sighed.


i think back to the time i spent with her.

and i have this to say:

i thank you for the letter, and i hope that you are well.
what i have done in the past i do not wish to deny any responsibility.

but i do hope that we can put it behind us and lets just be friends.
friends who talk to each other in times of need, friends who do sms each other.
friends who do say "hi" to each other on the streets or sms you suddenly out of the blue.

i too am grateful for meeting you and am thankful that you were once there for me.

last but not least I'll never regret knowing you.
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i have a feel that something good is about to happen. and to me the world suddenly seem much much brighter after the RSAF recruiter called.

though things still don't change, i feel as if I've stepped out of a shadow.

i don't know how much I'm going to change nor do i know how long it will be or last.


but i just want to cherish it now that I'm no longer thinking of no-win scenarios again.

Eddie's journal, December 11th, 2009 12.36am

woah...


woah woah woah woah...

WOAH!!!!


WOOHOO~!!!


fucking ingrate...


out-fucking-standing.


you ever wonder why you guys are in shit?

ever?



its simple actually...


WHY SO SERIOUS?!?!?!?!


you let so much rules and regs slip that the reason that the reason you guys are in shit was that you have degenerated to the same level as them. theres no start and no end to the dark. you turned off the light yourselves.


its simple.


you are a svc crew. and you can tell a manager/supervisor " eh don't shout at them too much".


wait a minute.


wait just 1 minute.


WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

oh you are just a service crew.

AND WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING THAT TO?

a manager/supervisor.




WOW.

tell me. if the management doesn't know what to do or does things wrongly. when has it become our job as a simple service crew to tell them what to do?

THEY ARE PUT IN CHARGE FOR A FUCKING REASON MORON!



AND RULES ARE THERE FOR A FUCKING REASON TOO.

well 1 its meant to be broken.


but that's not the point.

the point is, it being a rule, everyone who wants to play the game has to follow. doesn't matter that you be a level 10 or level 50 player.


FOLLOW THE FUCKING RULES.


its called discipline.
oh wait in sec sch you were just a simple NCO in NCC. talk to you about discipline? nah, it'd be like talking to blind man about an elephant.

YES I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU, YOU FUCKING INGRATE DOG.

yeah you don't have discipline and you are a fucking ingrate.


why i say ingrate.


lets see


the very first time you did teppan back in the good old, bad old days and jammed and then got screwed by customer. who was the one who helped you clear up the mess?

i forgot.


and then there was this 1 time when your kitchen jammed till high heaven and u got screwed by peik wai who was it that talked to you and made you feel better?

hmm. i forgot.

and then there was also times when you were pissed after work and cannot stand others partying, who was it that sat by you and accompany you?

i forgot too.


and then today this?


THIS KRIFFING SHEB????


OYA!!!

K'OYACYI!!!

OYA MANDA!!!



well if you don't know what I'm talking about then no point asking me in person. because if you don't feel that its wrong you will never feel that its wrong. no point asking others to point out to you.


i seriously think its a grave mistake to come back to work.

Ori'buyce, kih'kovid
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i don't get it why i everytime tell myself i don't have to let people know the real reason behind my actions.

perhaps its a throwback from a long past where i tried to do good but no one sees the light in my actions so they condemned it.

perhaps its borne from me not being appreciated from a young disturbed childhood.

or it might be that i honestly don't really want to know what others think of me due to my disturbed childhood too.


whatever it might be, it is really depressing, emo-inducing, energy draining, emotionally suffocating and mind tiring.

just like today i found a friend that i had almost implicitly trusted become and dishonest ungrateful dog.

I'm just so drained.

as if someone opened up a tap at the base of my stomach and drained out all the braincells.

nothing blank.

all i feel is white rage. but I've expressed them all above.

so not its empty.

and then i think on.

how do i start making things right?

because if i start showing people why i do what i do. it'll be weird.


it'll be as if Eddie has grown wings overnight and learned how to fly with a halo round his head.

no.

I'm not a saint. I'm not a saviour. and I'm most certainly not a good guy.

I'm just a man trying to make things better for the people, for the friends, for the acquaintances around him.

so i don't mind being the bad guy.

I'm used to being the bad guy.


to no matter how drained i feel at the end of everyday.

i will breathe.

i will sleep.

i will wake up.

and then i will rinse and repeat it all over again.

and I'll bitch about it too. occasionally.

Verd ori'shya beskar'gam

Eddie's journal, December 11th, 2009 12.55am

life is just like a game.
a fucking boring game.

no matter where you go, whatever shit you do.
the same thing happens.

like clockwork.
like a game.

different levels.
same enemies, same weapons, same scenario.
just different locale.
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i go to work.
wasnt late.
but got scolded for nothing by manager.

i didnt complain.

i serve customer food.
they claim didnt order.
got scolded by kitchen crew.

i didnt complain.

other svc key wrong table.
i serve to the wrong customer.
got fucked by them.

i didnt complain.

but then i saw shit happen today.
shit happened.
but no one cared.

and i couldnt complain.
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all it ever takes for bad things to happen as we have all seen in history is for enough good men to do nothing.


perfect examples are characters like Hitler, Stalin, Osama Bin Laden.

there are people who have seen these people gathering power, amassing strength, stockpiling weapons, creating chaos, inciting fear, sharpening resolves, introducing inhumane treatments to people.

yet those people sat by and did nothing.
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i look at sakae T2, havoc.
absolute havoc.
new part timers who think so full of themselves.
who dont give a shit.
who dont do things the right way.
who give attitude.

i also see full timers and old part timers dont do things.
dont follow the rules and regulations set by office or by the management
dont know how to do things
dont bother.

and then i see managers not doing anything about that.
i see supervisor A not teaching them the right thing.
i see supervisor B struggling but cant do much.
yet all 3 tell me that they are in trouble.

so i have to ask myself.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING HERE?

i mean you sure are in shit.
and some real deep one too.

but then again. you are the managment.
YOU. NOT ME.
FUCKING DO SOMETHING.

for one?
how about stand united and say you guys want to change the service standard?
where did the "as long as i draw pay from this company i will still do my job well" attitude go?

and then WHAT THE FUCK IS EVERYONE WORKING FOR???
where did the"THERES NO 'I' IN A TEAM"go to?

the whole svc crew be it management, full timer or part timer.

the whole svc crew is like a hand.
and each of us is a finger.
without others we all are useless.
alone a finger can't grasp, or control, or form a fist.
we are nothing on our own, and everything together.


and what i have seen so far.
what i have seen makes my blood boil.
makes me rage like a caged beast.
makes me wanna chuck my handphone on a wall and watch it crumble into pieces.
makes me wanna grab those fuckers who showed attitude and think so great of themselves,
and smash their faces into a wall
makes me wanna tear their flesh to shreds and feast upon it.
makes me wanna tear off all restrains and physically harm them.
makes me wanna watch them suffer the pain and anguish that they have never seen humanely possibly to be inflicted onto them.

bet with you now that some of them will think that i dont have to balls to face them down in a throw-down.


honestly. if i have been the past me, i'd probably be in a police station now.


i still have rules that i play by. dont make me abandon them and play dirty.

Eddie's journal, November 28th, 2009 11.51pm

people say i have leadership qualities and skills.

i beg to differ.

i say all i have is a gut feeling and a damn loud voice.


and then loyalty. what exactly does it mean?

to different people loyalty means different thing. thus for me to demand loyalty from others is almost a crime. only dictators and tyrants do that.

that's why Ive been rethinking my actions recently.



its not right for me to ask people to be loyal to me. its supposed to be like respect, its to be given, not asked.



often people do not know, being in-charge is a very lonely thing to do.



put it this way:

Mantel of Leadership,
Aura,
Binds On Pickup,
+5 speed
+5 attack
+5 intel
-50 hp
+70 loneliness

sometime its is really really lonely to be right at the top of the food chain.

yes you do get alot of privileges.

but they more often than not don't compensate for the shit you have to go through.



fact 1:
it is lonely to be in-charge.

fact 2:
when you have to make decisions, not everyone will benefit from that decision

fact 3:
when certain party do not stand to gain from your decision,chances are that said party will get hostile faster than you can say "sorry"

fact 4:
if fact 3 occurs then said party will begin conducting offensive operations against you and the friendship between you 2 effectively terminates at this point.



i absolutely detest being in-charge, because its a never-ending cycle of anger, frustration and stress for me


the very definition of a Leader is being at the fore front.



being in-charge means making deliberate, measured decisions made for high stakes, without the support of superiors or subordinates, and with the cost of failure almost incalculable.



Such is the loneliness of command.


such is the loneliness i am feeling now.

Eddie's journal, November 17th, 2009 5.49pm

not much change from the last post. just that i have to reinstall my firefox. caught up with greys anatomy. currently watching kampfer anime only. manga wise still the same.

not doing much with my xbox. cos i dont have the cash to get modern warfare 2. so I'm hoping my parents will get something for me since Ive graduated poly officially.

but then again they are not those who would reward their kids for doing well academically so i guess nothing then.

good news is that come year end or early next year I'm going for a holiday. FINALLY! the last family holiday i had was like when i was 3. so quite looking forward to setting foot on some foreign land and really relax.


moderately good news. I'm enlisting in march into police force. was really hoping to get into army but. haiz. just have to make do with what Ive got.


i have decided not to go back and help anymore. since its not my fight. i should not have interfered. if the cow doesn't want to drink i cant force it.

honestly the meeting with PLC/ventures is for the use of a better word, shit. like Miss Noraini said. he does have a huge legacy, with the scouts with the school. even with Mr Khaw.

so how do i go about changing that? it would be bloody well impossible. so why do it? why keep fighting it? i did choose to. but I'm regretting it now.

be the best i can. this was the best i can give and no one was there to support. so why do i keep fighting for something that i don't benefit from?

i don't get paid i don't get recognised i don't get appreciated.
i only get problems, headaches and a whole lot of nagging.

history is the one thing that humans will never learn. all these has happened before and it is happening again. well i guess I'm the only one concerned over a fate that isn't mine. so to hell with it. I QUIT.


but that was weeks ago. my campfire committee is well not doing good. my scouts aren't talking to the ventures. the guides are completely off the radar. not sure if they are there or not. things aren't looking good. but campfire committee and scouts are separate things, i have to be sure not to put the 2 things together.


recently I'm like having a little sleeping problems. well thinking of the scouts problem the campfire problem and the cash problem and relations problem and all that. looking back this time last year i was angry, sad and heartbroken. now my heart is unbroken but otherwise I'm as equally burdened and depressed.


everynight i spend 10 mins trying to forget all the problems but some nights it would take longer. and then in the morning i would have 20 seconds of carefree me until i start to think of today's date, time and where am i in terms of all the problems i have. then I'd wish i haven woke up at all.


sometimes i dunno why i do what i did. i just know that i should do it. other times I'm just lost and taking a leap of faith.


if I'm no longer a friend to you, you'd just have to say it. then I'd back off. don't have to avoid me this way till its so obvious. sometimes things you don't say are as clear as day to me. friends don't have to be this way. if I'm crossing the line just tell me. I'll know what to do.


flying through the valley of lies, deceit and betrayal i shall feel no fear. for i am at 16,000 feet and diving.

Eddie's journal, October 30th, 2009 1.10 am

still.fence sitting. no good. feels like crap-tastic peice of fucking shit.


no open house just ended. in my humble opinion. was like a fucking piece of FUBARed shit.


but then again. opinions are like assholes. everyone has got one.

also hindsight is always 20/20.


still no work yet. parents nagging. good sign i guess. they still care.

the remainder of this post will be metaphoric with some obvious reference in the 3rd part of the narration.

do try to make the connection. if in doubt do ask me in private about them.

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felt like i just ran out of a freaking booby-trapped jungle. trashing through the hazardous terrain filled with pit-falls and volatile wildlife. only to face an empty chasm in front of me. not knowing how deep the fall will be. having the front row seat to the biggest shit storm I'm about to endure previewed right above me.

should not have went through that fracking forest. had a nice plain to cross yet i too the harder way. wise old sages had counseled me against my fool-hardy decision. i still went head-strong with my decision anyway. regret. again. god-awful feeling. time and time again i screw up my own life.

now darkness engulfed the forest behind me. terrifying sounds of tortures beyond mortal understanding of pain echoed from the impenetrable darkness. darkness that seems to be beyond normal comprehension.

the chasm faced me with its cold redoubt. it has weathered more storms than i can ever hope to endure within my lifetime. and a storm the likes of which i cannot begin to fathom loom above my head.

cold gray mist slowly floats up from the hungry black depths of the chasm floor. seemingly able to consume me as its next victim.

from this shrouding mist i glimpse what looks like a bridge to cross this unforgiving place. might be an escape to paradise. might lead to another new hell. the bridge looks almost as weathered as the chasm. the end of the bridge seemingly disappears into the devouring mist.

i don't have a choice. with no where to go. i trust my life to the higher power and take my first step on to the rickety bridge. silently mumbling a prayer to be delivered into anywhere better than this hellhole of a trap.
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confusion reigns in the rank and file. no one seem to have an idea now that they are getting conflicting reports. the situation report i have just received from the field was not good.

fire teams in the field have lost all sense of cohesion. corporals were looking to sergeants who were looking for the closest officer to give them directions. disorder reigned the battle field. unit integrity with the 1st REDFOX battalion is breaking down at an impossible speed.

officers in the field were making direct calls to Command requesting orders from the joint command. but each time they call they were connected to a different general. each giving different directives for them.

this was supposed to be a joint command between me and 3 other generals. initially president and secretary of defense together with the 4 of us was supportive with the idea. but soon 1 of the generals was reported lost and the other was promoted to chief of staff. and then there were 2

well the other general chose to swamp the battalion command with information. the 2 majors were soon swamped with orders and reports. and began the congestion. preventing critical information from being passed from Command to the ground units.

where as few months ago on a field op i had a conflict with the entire command staff of the battalion. so i went on a short R&R leave.

now after the last operation days ago planned by the other general. things within the battalion do not seem good. the last operation was almost a failure had the other general and i not turn up to supervise the engagement.

from the company staff up they generally have problems working with the battalion majors. they think that the majors just want all the honor and glory while they slog it out on the field with the enemy.

within the 4 companies that makeup the battalion there is unsolved issues.

for WOLF company. the company have a glory hound for a CO. he wants things done but not willing to lead his company personally into battle. he have a pretty incompetent XO who always does the wrong thing at the wrong time. leading him to be labeled as the battalion's command staff most useless person.

for WOODPECKER company. the CO is a quiet but capable person. a future rising star bound for the battalion command. problem with this CO is that he often follow the lead of the wolf company CO. as a result both companies often come under withering fire far from the rest of the battalion's support. only the XO shows initiative to save the company's bacon. however the XO has a fiery temper that even us generals think twice about crossing.

KINGFISHER company was newly set up this year. the CO is an incompetent fool. together with his lazy XO who for almost all the role calls were missing. surprisingly the company still retain some form of unity.

OTTER company has the smartest CO out of the batch. a triple science graduate from manjusri high school. many wondered why he chose to join the army much more when he chose the REDFOX battalion. hes a dedicated man. with the occasion lack of intuition to get his company moving. his XO was a recently replaced and have since rose to a strong standing within the command staff. the XO is an ad-hoc CO of KINGFISHER as well.

between the 2 major. each had half of the operations orders. but they did not pass the important info to each other and as a result their company commanders do not have a clear idea of where enemy positions were. de facto leadership of the battalion seems to lie with the XO of OTTER.

inside the CIC we generals were having quite a war ourselves. with the chief of staff and the other general not totally understanding the situation. nor do they conduct anymore field inspections of the battalion. seemingly they are issuing orders without consideration of the battalion's capabilities while i disagree with them. but i declared i was on R&R leave i did not have the means to right their misdirected orders. they claim I'm too close with the men on the field that my judgment cannot be taken.

now with the battalion moving to another engagement. all the company CO and XO are confused with no clear directions and conflicting orders from the chief of staff and the other general. during the last field inspection some of the CO have asked me to take over the CIC completely for the next engagement.

i have spoken to a rear echelon support unit and one of the personnel said he they would back me if i wanted to take over but there's not much they could do as their hands were tied as well.

generally the battalion command is furious with the other general for not doing a better job and would not like the chief of staff to interfere with the battalion operations anymore.

however orders are orders. its not the line company commanders to question why. its just their duty to do or die. Semper Fi.

i will try my best to have a meeting between the rear echelon, battalion&company command together with the CIC to settle the problem.
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Eddie's journal, September 7th, 2009 5.09 am

blogging. at the unearthliest hour. i believe thats a new word i just invented.

where should i begin to chronicle the life i had since the last blog post?

i wonder.

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ok so i have got a 360 elite. yeah its black and all. but i only have 2 games now.

Gears of war 2 and Halo 3: ODST. completed both on easy and finished legendary for ODST.

i'd have to say legendary is F***up. they just don't react normally. freaking AI. the enemies are stronger, smarter and the friendly AI just got dumber and dumber.

i swear the covenant and walk right up to them and they wouldn't even shoot.

frac.

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so i haven really decided what I'm going to do now.

now that mission darkstar is in the voting stages i think I'd be an opportunist.

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anyone reading this post now should stop. open a new tab. go to this link

go to seeded teams. click on team flash and then click on vote. please vote 5 stars. because that is the team that yours truly competed in.

alittle help would go a long way.

don't forget to spread the word around too.

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back to the main objective. i haven really given them much thoughts.

i don't really wanna go back to Sakae to work. neither do i wanna stay jobless nor do i intend to actively go back to help my scouts unit.

i think I'll sexplain myself abit.

first of all. i don't wanna go back to Sakae to work because i have worked there once. and according to some sources and my personal opinion. i think going back there to work would not be good. reason being the standard of the service has not been maintained for a long time and to ask the crew to bring it back up to standard just wont suffice within the time frame given.

secondly. i don't wanna stay jobless. well reason being. its quite simple numb-nuts. no job == no pay==no money which ultimately leads to no new games to play. simple.

and lastly i have totally given up all hopes of reasoning with the scouts PLC. due to some elements whom of which a sense of friction and animosity exists between said parties and me.

simply put it. there are some people within the PLC I'm not particularly happy with and well they have just put me off as some toothless tiger. well up to them i suppose. even with the anonymity of the internet it just would be right to say things about them here or to even name them. because i firmly believe if you have anything to say do so in person. suffice to say i think they know who they are and its a shame that i lose interest in helping the rest due to these few elements.

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hmm. i guess that about says it all. my life in a blog post since the last entry. same thing still stands. if you push me hard enough, i wont push back, i'd shove you off a cliff.

Eddie's journal, September 25th, 2009 2.11 am

wow. first back-to-back blog post in a long long time.

after visiting the T2 outlet just now. doubts racked my mind. rankling its chains. spreading confusion around. conflicting with my thoughts and my feelings.

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lets not kid myself. yes i have to admit that joanne looks nice. and I'm having thoughts about going back Sakae to work again.

but at the same time. i already had commitments to my scout group.

by now you should know i do my scouts. not just simply because i had promised. or because i have to do it.

its because i like it. its because i want it. its those reason, some unable to be put into words now that makes me go back time, after time, after time.

but then now. there are things that make me feel as if I'm wasting my time on it.

and then there are also things that scouts cant provide me with.

things like a source of income. a chance at romance again.

however i have already promised that i would take care of my scouts properly.

and i have my loyalties with my scout group.

so now I'm stuck.

and i have to make an ultimate choice soon.

to be a man of my word.

or to me a realistic man.

Eddie's journal, September 24th, 2009 1.04 am

hey. I'm back. to bitch.

yeah. thats what i have been doing recently anyway. bitch 'bout this and that.

hindsight's a bitch too. why does it have to be so perfect at 20/20?

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naive. so naive of me.

its hard for a cheetah to change its spots.

honestly. don't push it punk. had to impulse to physically harm you for a long time.

for now i pursue a peaceful solution. but if you keep it on long enough. there will be hell to pay.

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oddly enough. i kinda foresaw all this shit thats happening now. and i say more shit is coming.

Eddie's journal, September 13th, 2009 12.45 am

im back. as usual. haven been here long and this place reeks of dust. too long since i last updated. seems like no one misses me.

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what ive feared most has happened. no one seems to notice it happening. no one seems to care. no one but me.

seems to me that the thing im talking about is dying and all i can do is wipe random flecks of blood of his lips.

disappointing.

perhaps its me. i have imposed too much of my own self on them. so now im backing off. leaving them to their own devices. hope everything works out for them. really.

you ask what happened to the perfect dream? well. it came true. you're looking right at it.

one day all the mess will froth up and mire you down, you'll look up and shout "help me". i'll just look down and whisper "no..."

semper fi my friends.

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mom. just recovered from some stomach flu or food poisoning. already have plenty of energy to PMS about small shit. cant stand her. she have a bloody bad attitude but at the end she just means well. but the way she speaks makes me wanna shove something down her throat just to shut her up.

thats mom i guess. cant live with her, cant live without her. have better heed her words now or would miss her sorely later.

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sometimes i ask myself why. why do i always demand so much out of everything or everyone. like why i demand so much out of my scouts.

i feel that its just me. i always wanted things from young. and will stop at nothing if i really want them.

so that could be a reason why i demand so much. not a good habit. should kick it. probably will take ages.

the eczema it getting worst on both my hands. anyone got good skin docs to recommend? mom was especially PMS-ing about it just now.

bye for now.

life and all its mysteries...

life...

its a 1 shot thing, we dont have a second chance, we dont really have much choice regarding the hand that life deals us...

man...

in our age long conquest of all the worldly possessions...

be it fame...

fortune...

or power...

for all the other things that we fight for...

at the end are they all worth dying for?

the 1 thing that we always dont conquer in the end is our health...

dreams...

are worth dying for... so we fight for it...

we fight real hard for it...

but health is the 1 thing that eludes us no matter how hard we fight...

in the end no one can beat life or conquer it...

everyday, every year, every minute...

we age, we grow older...

we are losing out to life...

take my paternal and maternal grandfathers for example...

both of them had alzhemier's...

for my paternal grandfather he was much fortunate... he dont remember where he is but he still remembers his children and grand children...

but for my maternal grandfather hes not that fortunate... he is completely blank... he dont even remember his own children nor does he recognize his favourite grandson...

now he resides at an elderly home... but signs arent too good... he has begun to see things already...

as for me... nothing much... my kidneys are cleared... but i have jus found out that i have hernia...

not too uncomfortable but its possible to be life threatening...

yet we still live on... life dont jus stop here...

we live life as much as well as we can...

we have to continue to fight for what we believe thats worth fighting for, worth dying for...

set a goal...

make a plan...

but every now and then....

stop, take a breath, look around...

and drink it in...

because this is it...

it not easy, its never right, theres always no one to tell us what to do when we get lost...

but this is life...

and it might all be gone tomorrow...

no rest... not yet... not now anyway...

FYP period extended...


cos lecturers not happy with my work output... says not up to year 3 standard...


very very displeased with the decision lor... felt its unfair...


BUT


what to do?


suck it up and then fuck off lo...


what to do?


ive been studying since last year... no real holiday breaks in between....


from taking modules to SP4 then to FYPJ then IHIAP

span 1 whole year le...


tired... then thought that today was to be the the last day...


failed to see that too many things have been going nicely... and that murphy has came up behind me with my pants down and grabbed my balls...


actually had the intention to quarrel with lecturer jus now... but then too tired liao... i jus tell them i try so see how much more i can touch up... cos they say i have not fail yet... so jus do...


yes for now i jus do... i jus do as much as i can and then see how... cos i pia like fuck for the last 2 weeks liao... i chiong i pia... i drop everything and do finish a playable... then u say this not good that not good... sometimes hor... tell me abit earlier then i can change right...


anyways now is still no rest for the weary yet... 1 more week


then i will finally get my break... for 1 week


then back to doing another project for NHB again...


sometimes somethings in life we dont have to like it... we jus have to do it... and do as best as within our capacity can...

fool again

should have seen it coming...


utterly disappointed...

all i had to do was to keep my whole day free... my whole freaking day...

i dont want to talk to anyone now...

i dont want to understand...

cos there will be alot of "blah blah blah blah blah" and im dont want to hear that...


so what if its unfair if i dont listen to all ur excuse... cos excuses are like assholes... everyone has got one...


and im too disappointed to give a fuck so too bad...


well theres always next year...


but trust me i wont expect nuts anymore...


fuck all that bullshit...

you never know its the biggest day of your life until you are rite in the middle of it, until you realize theres not enuf time,cos u wanna live foever

today is the day...


the last day...


the final hours slip away...


19 years of hardship, pain, joy and laughter...


they all fade away...


add another year to the sum...


and 20 it shall be...


yet at the cornerstone of my life...


all i ever feel is sadness...


for the people i had offended, sorry

for the people i had disappointed, sorry

for the people who expected alot out of me, sorry

yet for all the "sorry" i have...


i only have a small "thank you" for all the people who supported me and helped me...


im not a guy who has alot of self-confidence for many reason...

some even i dont know...


but today is the day...


its the day my life begins...

for all my life ive been jus me...

a smart mouth kid...

but today i become a man...


i become accountable...

i become accountable to people other than myself...

i become accountable to my friends...

i become accountable to my family....

i become accountable to you...

to my future...

to all the possibilities my life after 20 have to offer...

no matter what happens...

i'll be ready...

for anything, for everything...

to take on life...

to take on love...

to take on possibilities and responsibilities...

today i turn 20...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

today finally finished my FYP liao... albeit the game has no sound... im too tired and lazy to do it...


will have to rush my report over the weekend... jus feel like kicking back and give a wild shout of joy...


but jus tank 1 more week... after that endless supply of freedom...


till then i think i'll jus keep a low profile...

why mister anderson why why why?

i sometimes ask myself why do i keep trying...


why do i keep getting up and keep fighting... keep trying...



how would u feel if u had tried and tried to do... yet fail and fail over and over and over and over again?



how?


how do you sleep knowing that ur FYP is screwed and u can hardly do it?


how do u get up and go to school each morning knowing that u dunno where to start to work on ur project?


how do u try and tell people to do what they are supposed to do when u know for bloody well sure that they will not do it?


how????







why is it so difficult to try... to try and jus make it through a day without any problems?


i for one didnt choose to have my FYP blow up in my face....

when i push you away... and say, you simply cannot stay here...

its not happening right....


my supervisor said i was taking my own sweet time to do my proj...


ok... fine...


u haven asked abt how i was doing...

u didnt even see the problems i faced....

for some graphics the designer pass me i have to try and load it 9 times...


9 TIMES....


asked why i was doing more work in my last FYP?

simple i have a team mate who can help me when im stuck... now i only got me alone...


then u set such ridiculous datelines...


wtf?


so now u complain?


fuck u... ok like i told u... i will integrate all the art in... but i will not edit them.... then u will see my work... u fucking bitch...

no not good at all...

mid project presentation today...


i think i did the least out of the whole FYP lab... play and do too much dumb stuff in lab le...


and then received a warning letter for being later 14 times and missing for alot of times... and also i missed alot of milestones... but then the milestones are really abit unrealistic le... also dunno if i can say that mah... later get more demerit points...


haiz...



starting tml will have to work 100% liao... if not this FYP gonna fail and then retain summore...



Mr Ng commented my quit function never do properly... hmm... i jus scrape away what i did for the last 6 weeks(which was very little) and then am going to redo my menu everything tml...


projected: i will have to get back to my current prototype state within no more than 3 days if not more warning letters will come my way...


going to put out more hairs from my head le... jus pulled my main menu out and replaced it with a barely working one...


haiz...more hair pulling le...

hmm... its weird... this isnt right... i happy...

nope it isnt right at all... im happy...


im happy...


me...


i also dunno why....


im jus happy...


happy at what?


i have no idea...


maybe cos im thinking of good things to come?


probably... going to plan for a campfire next year... hopefully im around then...


im probably happy that i finally had a meeting with my PLC a few days ago...



ok lets be frank i have no idea why im happy but im jus happy...


the normal upset depressed me is suddenly happy....


its jus wrong...


anyways i still have to meet up with my ventures, guides, scouts teacher in charge, guides teacher in charge and Raymond Sir...


lotsa things to plan and look forward to working with wonderful characters and weird creatures...


i plan to call my assemble my campfire committee by october and see how things go...


but lets not get ahead of ourselves too much... i still have alot of things and troubles plaguing me...


first of which... GOT PEOPLE SAY I BECOME LIKE CHOCOLATE CAKE!!!!


thanks to karen-im-confused....


reason being i have jus attended a 3D2N camp which was under a hot sun and i had sunburn...


cos majority of the camp consist of me screaming expletives at a bunch of blur and unmotivated scouts and guides...

then actually by day 2 is not so bad the sunburn then i go dragonboat with the campers....



end up i got burned by the sun...


2 weeks later went swimming... again under hot sun... frm 1-5pm...

then jus ytd go swimming again frm 11-3....


so end up im burned again....

so yes im alittle blacker than usual but im not a chocolate cake...



now that i mention swimming it brings me to my post-op scar on my left knee... jus last week after the swim there was a huge amt of pain coming frm there...


as if something under the scar is pulling at my flesh...grrr... pain extend to the muscles then cant walk... for the whole of the week mon to fri...ouch...



oh did i mention the day when i woke up my legs sort of fell asleep again?

lol.... i woke up late as usual... then i started to walk out of my room...

then i dun remember what happen...

but i remembered both my legs suddenly felt very pain and couldnt move...

and then i sort of force myself to walk end up i kinda jump abit landed on my toes in the wrong way and fell forward... i stopped my fall with my hands but then my legs were still pain and couldnt move... so i jus lie there on the floor at the door to my room for a bit...

WHILE my dad watches on from the chair in the living room at me...

erm... FML anyone?



and then there is the jobless problem...

supposedly i left sakae cos im going underwater world to work....

but then the managment screwed up...

they did not tell me the details and so i was left thinking:
"they would not have done this had they had the heart to hire me"


jos tried to apologise to me but i wasnt having any of it... its not his fault... its the underwater world management fault...

so now im collateral from this whole messy affair... srry to the sakae people... i had to lie abt my attachment so that u guys will let me off...

and i had to concoct the lie in such a way that i not only deceived u all but i also deceived myself...


jus ytd i used up the last of my cash in my bank and now im again after so many months... BROKE...

and i still owe my mum 50 bucks.... -_-



there goes my dreams of a year end holiday... and probably my 20th birthday chalet...

i dont even have enough to pay for my phone bills of this month.... T.T



i dunno why... or how... after i told u how i felt... i dont feel myself anymore...

it feels as if all i was doing in the past was wallowing in my own sorrows, regret and 1 sided feelings for eternity...

it seems as if i have walked out of that cycle and then look back at the fool i was...

yet whenever i hear ur name being mention i feel revolted...

i get this feeling that if i were to see u again things will change back...

or change for the worst...

i want to be the new me....

i also want to still be friends with u...

yet i dont contact u... not even an sms...

cos some part of me is still the old me... afraid and not willing to let go...

and u dont contact me too either... so maybe...jus maybe... i should not give up?

and that should i jus continue to get u to like me?

or am i jus deluding myself again?

why isnt there a 10 year series on thing like these...




and then noe... im not happy happy anymore... more of a sad happy now... or a happy sad... i dont really know which...


jus that when it comes to the matter of the heart i dont really share with people... cos i dont really know how to make people understand my point...

sometimes its also hard maybe cos im a guy... and most if not all of my close friends are guys and the normal social prejudice is that guys dont usually open up to guys... normally guys dont open up at all...

cos the normal stereotypical guy dont have these deep feelings... guys have no feelings... they meet a problem they solve it... break things and get it done... they dont get teary eyed or have insecurities...

if they get rejected by girls and they move on to other girl... they dont get second thoughts abt should they continue to get the girl who rejected them... they dont get sentimental at my age... if they got rejected or dumped they forget about it and move on...

but not me... maybe cos i do alot of thinking alot of time... maybe cos im not a guy guy... or maybe cos im weird or stupid... might even be cos i often spend my time alone and emo-ing... but im jus not the normal stereotypical guy...

at least i dont feel like them... cos i do have deep dark feelings that i dont share.... hidden fantasies that i escape to when im alone... things that i cant share willingly... stuff that i dont want the world to know... memories, feelings and emotions that i dont want to lose or let go...

sucks to be me i guess...


oh and july is coming... time for my routine kidneys check again... pure waste of time and money if the doc still says they need to monitor me every half a year...


cant my kidneys jus like get well or jus fail so that i can move on... stop hampering my life... if u are going to fail jus fail... and get the f*** out of my life...



"It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence." -- Mahatma Gandhi

life of a jobless numbnut...

NMNHNLM...


No Money No Honey Nobody Loves Me...


thats my life now...

running out of money to use soon...

no income but overspending... alot...


and im running out of excuses...


im running out of excuses to tell myself that my current situation is fine...


its not fine... its far from fine...


but i cant show its not fine... cos who'd believe me?

who'd help me?

who'd pity and care for me?




im jus like the guy that everyone knows but yet treat him as if hes invisible...



so yes im smiling and saying everything is alright now...

because i dont want to ruin the only thing that keeps me waking up every morning looking forward to have a better day...


and im going to let you guys off the hook....



cos its a 2 way thing....

friendship... is a 2 way thing...


i may have been imposing on u all alot...


perhaps even scaring u guys off or intruding....


so im letting u guy off the hook...



and i'll try to make right what i did to you guys



im jus trying to make things right...



anyway im now thinking abt how to celebrate my 20th birthday...


hmmm current guess list i have is very very extensive...

Red Fox: close to 25-30 pax

Sakae: abt 15-20pax

Girl Guides: 8-10pax

poly:10-15pax

EDMW:10-15pax

close to 90 people coming... maybe i should split into a 3 day 2 night thing?



hmm... need to think abit... anyone got good ideas?


btw if any MJR Guides are reading this... my rank is Assistant Scout Leader not Venture... so please address me as Sir or jus Eddie... im no longer a Venture... though Venture is more enjoyable role than Sir...

i dont want the whole world to see me... cos i dont think that they'd understand...

things haven been really going well...


please... dont try to understand me... cos u dont... stop


jus STOP...


stop understanding me...

stop pretending to know what im thinking...

stop acting like u know what i'll do next...


jus stop doing that...




STOP...



stop telling me the obvious...

stop telling me what i could or could not do...


STOP TELLING ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE...


im sick of it...


i am here today is because ive been through alot of crap....

cos if u'd seen my dark and twisted life u'd know...

im not worthy of good things...


im jus a sad sad me...


so dont tell me how to face my problems...

stop trying to helping me...


stop telling me what to do...




jus stop...


stop now...



stop now and dont ever start again...


because u dont know me... u dont understand me...



u ask if im alright?


no im not alright ok? are u satisfied? i am not alright...


ive reached a point where i stop making plans...


cos i had a plan and then there was a "car crash"... and then the plans disappears...


im jus trying to get from sun-up till sun-down...


thats abt as far into the future as i can handle...


so jus dont bother about me...


ive dug myself into this pile of crap...


i'll jus find another way out...

time flies as we watched on teary eyed... things have changed...

things have changed...


we've come too far to just fail now...



thursday saw some of my comex flyer frens in NYP... they look as if they hardly recognize me anymore...

today jus returned frm 3 days of training camp...


3 days of shitty undisciplined rubbish of a camp...



sec1s were a total rubbish... never seen a batch thats as bad as them...


now is jus tired...


on a high note its time to reveal somethings that ive been hiding...

all good things must come to and end...

including the good thing that has happened to me thus far called Sakae Sushi...


life has been tough...unfair...unforgiving...


but if i would to pick... working at Sakae Sushi T2 Changi Airport would be one of my top picks to the finest moments in my life...


it would be the pinnacle of my life thus far...


heres a count down to the last day of my life as a SVC crew at Sakae Sushi Terminal 2 Changi Airport:


9.45am: last time i report for work at Sakae T2 for work... was late...

1.47pm: the last time i took a sushi order from a customer...

2.15pm: last time i took a teppanyaki order from customer...

2.20pm: the last time i checked the floor plan...

2.30pm: the last time i break for lunch at Sakae...

4.45pm: the last time i had briefing for work...

5.16pm: the last time i punch in from break...

6.28pm: the last time i put on my runner gear...

6.30pm: i begin my final runner job...

9.39pm: the final time i go for a toilet break as a Sakae SVC crew...

9.45pm: the first and final time i learn how to do general closing...

9.50pm: i begin my final closing general sidejob...

10.56pm: the final time i finish my sidejob at Sakae T2...

10.56pm: the last time i sit with all the SVC crew that had finished their sidejob...

11.04pm: the final goodbye to the kitchen crew and teppan cheif as a SVC crew...

11.05pm: i make my final punch out and remove my nametag for the final time...



yes i painstakingly took down all these details to be as accurate as i could... because it might not be significant to you but it means alot to me...


being brought up in a Buddhist family i believe strongly in fate... me being able to meet you all and work with all you wonderful people is the merits i have accumulated in my previous life... without you all my life would not be as colorful and exciting as it is...

breaking these bonds ive established with you all isnt easy... i dont know why but tears are silently flowing in my heart as i type all these...


working with me must have been a chore... i dont smile alot... often i panic and scream over small things... i wouldnt be human if i dont ask for all of your forgiveness in this...


i have to thank you all for being patient with me... that you all are gracious in accepting me for who i am... i thank you all for making my last day at Sakae as wounderful as my first day there was... always exciting always engaging... all my deepest and sincerest thanks to you all...


theres nothing that can take away what you have given me... for that my eternal gratitude to you all..


i sincerely hope and wish that our paths will cross again in the future...

Goodbye all my friends... forever more you all shall be remembered in my heart...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


i dont have much to say here...

just that with you my day brights up just alittle more from the usual dull tone, the usual monotone...

but i can just keep going in circles here, cos im scared, im a flawed person..

and you seem to have someone else, someone else who is much better than me...

tons better than me...

someone who i'd pick over me if i were you...

so i'd try my best to do what i can from my end...

i'd try... so please dont give up on me...

this i beg of you...

dont give up on me...


I still want you by my side
just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
cause I'm sure gonna give you a try
and if you want, I'll try to love again
but baby, I'll try to love again, but I know...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


to mike:
will miss you even though you leave...Sakae Sushi wouldnt be the same without you... hope that we will meet again the future.. for now our paths have separated but with all my heart i hope that we can all be together again... goodbye for now...

1. Who tagged you to do this quiz ?

Valerie

2. Name some good points about him / her

Friendly

3.Name some bad points about him / her.

Blur

_______________________

1. What class are you in ?

DET06/06

2. Name all your best friends .

everyone who i dont hate

3. Who is your favourite girl in class ?

not applicable... almost no girls in class

4. Who is your favourite boy in class ?

it will default to me on principle

5. Are you attached or single ?

Single hoping to be attached

6. Do you like this class ?

no

7. What do you like about this class ?

everything

8. Why are you doing this quiz ?

cos the beautiful lady Valerie tagged me

9. Do you believe in God ?

no he dont exist stop fooling urself

10. Girl Or Boy ?

small kid

11. Do you have a crush on someone ?

currently yes

12. Cry before ?

define crying

13. You prefer Handphone or computer ?

COMPUTER

14. Name those People you hate ?

people who are my friends at one point i hate them before

15. You prefer comedy or romance movies ?

Comedic romance

16. Have you smoked before ?

sorry i hate them

17. When you intend to get married ?

when i feel the time is right

18. Nick name ?

currently is dont have

19. Last person you talked to ? (excluding your family)

my scouts

20. Last person you messaged to ?

my scouts

21. Favourite Artist ?

not applicable... i dont chase them

22. Favourite Song ?

Conte Partiro by Andre Bocelli

23. Nicest movie you ever watched ?

too many

24. Favourite Food ?

generally they are food that i will put into my mouth more than once

25. Favourite Drink ?

same as above

Tag 10 people to do this.

to those who are as bored as me...

when everything feels like the movies... yeah you bleed just to know yo're alive

wow...


where to begin?



ubin cycling trip was a total cluster fuck...


how can a day that begin so well end so horribly?


frak...


the numb nuts of those sec 1s really makes me very angry... never ever seen such a group of unruly and DF to the core grp of sec 1s...


leadership problems? PLC problem? or jus problem with the sec 1 them selves...



fricking epic... today i jus reach pulau ubin i need to apply first aid to sherman already... his eczema blister burst when he bumped it on the boat while alighting...


then by first pit stop 2 more have been dinged... shawn fell and had a sizable abbrasion on his right elbow... wesely our venerated SPL somehow had the bicycle chain cut into the back of his right lower leg...


then after continuing...at a high speed corner...yu kai lost control and skidded... he fell with abrasions to his hands elbows and knees... particularly 1 on his left elbow...


however i didnt know the extend of his injuries till after when we were having movie outing...


had a generally fun day until it was all abt to end... had 5 major accident...

1st was 2 scouts who dont know how to cycle also went top ubin..

2nd was the sec 1 sherman... kept speeding... nearly had a collision with wesely jus as we are about to gather at the basketball court and finish our trip...

3rd was the convoy in the final stages got seperated... the faster group with me and ervin went ahead to the final stop while the slower group stayed to take photo...

4th gerald sped onto the basketball court and slipped and fall...no injuries...

5th after we head back to the jetty area, gerald sped away on his own and we had to spend 30 mins just to find him back...


the rain didnt interupt much...jus that we saw not allot of wild life at chek jawa...


imho of the sec 1s actions today... they're like a bunch of babies... little bit of mud scares the living shit out of their numb nut asses... totaly disapointed...



i think if i'd bring our school guides, they'd perform much better...


note to all Red Fox Personnel... future out door activities should not have sec 1 participants...


perhaps PLs should teach them more than jus us leaders...


tml is last day at sakae le...


thinking of alot of things now...



hmmm looking at the enzema that sherman has really scares me.... better get a doc consult to see my fingernails and the enzema on my hands....



illness is a very scary thing... it can twist u till u are barely recognizable....

Right on the eve....

i guess when ur with shit u cant expect much...


and u can never expect shit to change...


half expected this thing to turn out this way... yet i choose to see the good in my parents, my family... to not touch my ration for tml's trip...



well fuck me if they'd change...


they wont fucking change a fucking bit in 10 fucking years...



how to expect them to change now?



silly me... could have avoided this but then i choose to see the good in them... that they'd ask before they touch my ration.... now its down to abt half... yippee...




fuck this shit...

IH-IAP...

shit... 3 more months of the same room... same lab...


jus different shit...


this time round really for sure have to do facebook app...



3 team mates 2 designers... so far not much to complain abt but then again its only day 3 of week 1...



today is qingyuan's birthday so happy birthday to you~! lol...



hmmm... been thinking abt some scouts related stuff... jus found out alot of the current year 3 batch (07 batch) are scouts or were scouts...



wondered what made them quit...



anyway a scout is to be loyal... question to all scouts who is reading this... where does your loyalty lie?


dont answer so fast... dig deep into ur heart and think of the answer and see if u are trying to lie to yourself anot...


if ur loyalties no not lie in the same unit as me then i suggest that u remove urself or dont stand in my way... cos i'll grind you down...


yes only the sith deals in absolutes...unfortunately i am the sith for you...



"for those who do not have the stomach for the fight, give them cash to speed their flight"
- William F. Garrison



been trying to reach out... but u seem to shrink away everytime i try to reach to u....


should i jus open up straight away?


or do i jus bid my time?


something tells me that i should write u off...

so tell me... give me a sign... anything...


im here... if u could jus reach out and meet me half way...



i admit im not a perfect guy... im not the best there is around... but if u wan jus say yes and meet me half way...


i'll be waiting...

it is done...

it is done... alot of it actually...



fri finished my FYP... first playable game i had in 3 years... then went on to have steamboat....was exceptionally fun and enjoyable... too bad the night couldnt last longer... if i had a chance to do FYP all over again... i'd pick u all to me my fellow FYP-mates without a moments hesitation...


sat have scouts... did a whole day of team work activities... but dont think the boys really understood the meaning behind the games... perhaps need to debrief in a more proper fashion next time...


today... finally told PW i wanted to quit... and she got the message... next sunday my last day at sakae T2...



looking back... i feel genuinely sad that im leaving them... feels like leaving them in a lurch...


remembered when i first came in... i know nuts... the SVC crew then was fierce, yet understanding... they taught me everything there is to know...under their tutelage i became better...

strange...initially i joined sakae cos NTUC didnt plan my schedule for a long time and i needed money... first day of the job i find it hard... but somehow i like working there... i slowly begin to look forward to working at sakae...

still remembered how i used to hate one of the staff there... she couldnt speak english but kept bossing us around and scold us new comers for making mistakes...


also a teppan chief who screamed at me the first time i did teppanyaki runner and jammed up the whole place...


the old svc crew was a tad impatient... but sure as hell they trained me to be the best there is at Sakae T2... and hell i didnt get to be the best under them...but i damn well tried...theres nothing that can come close to them...ever...


but then slowly one by one the old svc crew left... getting replaced by new less experienced ones...suddenly i became the experienced guy and have to teach new guys...


the pace didnt slacken off though... in fact it became harder... everyday was a challenge to work and be the best i can and to learn the best i can... but i still loved the job then... back then i couldnt think of a better job than Sakae T2...


then the day came... when i was doing my job better than the full-timers there... the day came when i was finally ranked as one of the best at Sakae T2...receiving customer's compliment almost every week... i WAS the best... things was going so well that i reached my pinnacle at Sakae T2...


all the while the old SVC crew was being replaced... uncle tong left... replaced by ben... sin lee got promoted... jeremy finished his attachment... junaina left... danny left....

all that was left was the wonderful one and only me... i was the bright star then...i became the best i could ever be... i started to be aggressive... to want to get customer compliments to want everything... to be very unforgiving and uncompromising...generally i became an ass but couldnt see it...




and then i fell...



i fell from grace...from honor...frm the very thing i swear i will never fall to...


i fell to complacency...


i fell to myself...



i started to get complains from customers... from colleagues... from managers...


started to get scoldings for the things i did.... i didnt know why initially.... after all i still had that stuck up attitude of mine...


then 1 day i got scolded so badly by manager and customer that i was deeply shaken... they said i was the lousiest waiter they've ever seen... and then a manager threatened to fire me if my attitude didnt change...



and then i finally see it...


i see that i am no longer the best... i was never the best to begin with...


i was only the best when i work with the best...

and i failed...




i failed to work well with the new SVC crew that had replaced with old ones... i had worked alone and assumed that i was the best when in fact i am a far of ghost of my former self with the old svc crew...


and then i forced myself to start all over again... to relearn everything once more... to work better with the new batch of svc crew...


and from my fallen state i started to climb up again... i dare not aim to be the best again... i jus aim to do the best i can... to not want compliment but jus to do my job as i have done before my ascend to glory...


i accepted the new change and worked with it... and from the old uncompromising ways i changed to a more flexible way of doing things...


and then i finally see it...i see that the new flexible ways was full of errors... and when i try to correct them... i was met with setbacks after setbacks... side jobs were done haphazardly... things were done sloppily... and the management was fine with it...


when i try to correct it i cant... i got frustrated and reprimanded for it... i start to dislike working cos i find that i cannot make my presence felt... i started to dread working at Sakae T2....hate it even...



but still i have faith that things will turn out better... and that Sakae still needs me cos they have a lack of manpower...


but somehow i feel that i was wrong... on both counts.... things haven turned for the better... and i dont see it turning better in the near future...


and my presence was not felt at all no matter how hard i try....


i told myself its my duty to help Sakae until they have more manpower then i consider quitting and that im honor bound to do my job well...


but yet i still see people working there sloppily and get away with it...


it pisses me off...


and then the svc crew started to get replaced again... soon, joshua and 2 more threw in the towel... i told myself that soon it'll be my turn....



and i started to ask joshua to look for vacancy at his underwater world...


and jus 3 days ago i secured that job and i told Sakae im quitting....today PW didnt even put up a quality fight to convince me to stay...



still no matter how much i look forward to leaving sakae... im still saddened by this... its the closing of a chapter of my life... my life as a svc crew at one of the most prestigious Sakae Sushi in singapore...


no matter how much anger, sadness and frustration working there brought to me... i'll always remember the good times... the times we had laughing at work, having fun at work, sharing the satisfaction of letting a customer enjoy a meal at our restaurant... i'll never forget them... it'll remain etched into my mind and heart... no one can ever rob me of that...



to sum it all up... if i can ever turn back time... i'll never alter my decision to work at sakae sushi... i'd never hesitate to ever work with all of you wonderful characters... you guys really changed my life and for that you all have my eternal gratitude...and this i promise you all who had worked at Sakae Sushi T2 with me: if the world ever comes to an end, keep in mind, i'll always be standing by you, always...

FYPis...

crap... tuesday presentation was crap...



today was also another crap day... freaking bugs everywhere...


tml is re-presentation... have alot of improvements since tuesday's problem... but too bad marks are all set liao...cant change...



yes finally last day tml... abit sad cos its an end to some nice partnership... happy cos its the end of some irritating ones too...

alls well ends well i guess...outside of classroom im sure we're all still frens...



brings abt the point of fate and future lines... butterfly effect and all that chaos theory...


if i were to meet them...all of my current friends, under different circumstances, different places doing different things...


how would things have changed?

how would things have turned out?


u see butterfly effect is very chaotic yet simple to understand...


it happened when a scientist by the name of Lorenz was using a numerical computer model to rerun a weather prediction, when, as a shortcut on a number in the sequence, he entered the decimal .506 instead of entering the full .506127 the computer would hold.

The result was a completely different weather scenario.


in theory the flap of a single butterfly's wings can change the course of weather patterns...


may be if i had worn a different pants to meet the same person on the exact same day... things would have turned out differently?

would like to hope so...but i cant time travel so its all only on paper....




ytd jus called PW told her i want to quit next week...

partly cos i have jus got my sentosa underwater world job...

2nd is i dont feel like working at sakae anymore... not much incentives to make me stay... recently been giving me alot unhappiness and all...



enough is enough... thats what my sec sch OM used to say...


shes not letting me go anyway...i presume im one of the last grp of pple who are competent enough left there...



in reality im not that good... im only good if im working with good people and with a good team...



thats the thing they fail to see... anyway there are people there getting on my nerves... been tolerating them for more than 1 year liao... explode soon? tempting...

simply put:
"If you get fucked every time you try to do your job cleanly, within the system, what do you do? Stand back, and say thank you? No way. You should fight for what you think is right. ... I contributed to it, but it was not my responsibility"
-Ayrton Senna



point to note... i dont like people poking my head... it irritates the living shit out of me...


another thing...


u ask a question, i answer... not happy with the answer try asking someone else... dont bitch about and fuck me over it... im not ur fucking wikipedia...



strangely something seems to be holding me back... i really want to have a campfire next year to celebrate the very first CF on the new grounds...



but i jus have a feeling that things wont fall into place... and that an age of stifle is approaching...

things we though were solved seem to have jus submerged and now are resurfacing...


perhaps im too paranoia... but then again things should not jus be taken in at face value... look past the facade and take in its true meaning...



or maybe we should jus leave them to their own devices and let god sort them all out...



"if you are weak, then dont show your fangs" - deadman wonderland

broken toe nail with mutiple minor lacerations...

no its not a crime scene...nor is it a cause of death...

its the trio of us who got pinked today at ubin...

all wasnt so bad...mine was the lacerations part...the braking wire of the rented bike is alittle broken with some strands of metal wires sticking out of it...

and as i cycle, it kept slicing into the inside of my right ankle...

then on the last stint of the recce trip today we went to the bike park where we tried one of the trail...

at 1 particular rough patch... and i think ervin slipped and then broke his toe nail...

but overall was fun...discovered some durian trees and some cute rabbits what some ubin residents reared...

we had a nice time exploring ubin today...been 5 years since ive been there and alot has changed...


the one thing that hasnt is probably the rural laid back style of life...life there is a huge contrast to mainland singapore....no aircon,no deadline, no hurry, no rush...


down there u can go anywhere u want to... as long as u know how and have the means to do it...



back at mainland by 5 pm...was somehow bored of mainland life after being at ubin 1 whole day...



have some pics to share when i upload them frm my phone...



everytime you see me what do you see?
i feel like im the poor man and your the queen...

cos everytime i see you my heart will skip...
everytime i talk to you my heart leaps...

so how, how?
how do i do it?
how do i ascertain your feeling of me?

the longer this goes... the more fed up i get... jus have to let it off at where u all cant see it...

day 2 and counting...


its not the first time.... wont be the last time...


all these has happened before... and it will happen again...


as long as 1 day she dont learn... history will repeat itself...




i wont call u as failed parents... for i haven been one myself and am thus not fit to judge...



but thus far all u have brought to me is setback after set back...




i worry abt my laptop-that-sounds-like-a-fucking-car-engine cos its mine...


MINE MINE MINE MINE

MINE!!!!!!!

u get it u fricking moronic-dumb-fuck-of-an-asshole... or assholes...



who else will worry for me?


U?


YOU?


U WHO DIDNT EVEN FRICKING GIVE A FUCK WHEN I GRADUATED FROM SEC SCHOOL...


U WHO DIDNT EVEN GIVE A RATS FART WHEN MY DESKTOP BROKE DOWN 3 YEARS AGO...


AND I SHOULD EXPECT U TO GIVE A FUCK NOW?


FUCKING WAKE UP ALRDY...

Eddie's Journal, 11th May 2009, 1.11 pm

final scene from Matrix Revolutions:

Agennt Smith:
"why Mr Anderson? why, why why, why do you do it? why, why get up? why keep fighting? do you believe that you are fighting for something? for more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom or truth? perhaps peace? could it be for love? Illusions Mr Anderson, Vagaries of perception. Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify its existence that is without meaning or purpose! And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself... Although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as "love". You must be able to see it Mr Anderson, you must know it by now. You cant win, it's pointless to keep fighting. Why Mr Anderson, why, why do you persist?"




Neo: "because i choose to"




after 2 days of drinking. and suffering from morning headaches and feeling sickish. time to get my feet back on the ground.


things haven been well for the weekend. no point going into details. have to keep things moving.


realized that bad things can happen. and if we choose to look on the brighter side of things and jus maintain a more buoyant attitude things the bleak future will somehow look nicer and brighter.

unfortunately i just cant look things of the bright side too often. i dont hope very often. cos hope is the first step to despair. which i know cos i have often hope alot in the past just to be let down terribly.

i leave the majority of hoping to more optimistic people.


im too dark and twisted for hope anyway. things ive seen things ive been through all makes me want to stop hoping every single day.


yet every single day of human life has hope in it.

by choosing to have a happy mood really helps to move our day along.

because lots of thing in our life cant be changed by us or by our actions. but our mood directly affects our actions and emotions.

we have to choose. we have choices.


choice. we want it. we hate it. we demand for it.

but at the end of the day we somehow will make choices we regret. choices that are stupid. choices that defines who we are.

and its all up to us to make these choices.

Eddie's Journal, 10th May 2009, 1.30 am

i was killed tonight.


they set me up. that darn customer set me up.

now all i have left is 90 bucks.

im drinking now. drinking to forget this thing. to think that this customer was so filial to their mother. yet did not come back to foot the bill.


they'd jus walk off...



jus walk off...



yet another failure to add to the long list of mine...



brilliant... happy mothers day...